A Health confession
I regularly make myself vomit by shoving a toothbrush down my throat. I am occasionally overdose on laxatives. I think about food and how I don't like my body constantly.
I am not anorexic.
Or thin.
I'm overweight. So no one suspects.
Binge eater.
I look like a fat man and not a women.
6FT 1"
UK Size 20
One A boob. One B boob.
"Oh but your going by what the media tells you a women should look like"
Yes...and this is reassuring coming out of you size 8 mouth.
I smoke cannabis every day.
I take 30mg of Mitazapine a day.
I am depressed everyday.
Blame the weed. But I argue, take that away and I wouldn't be here now. I'd be dead.
I panic. To emotionally deal I purge.
Feel fat? Purge
Here that someone else lost weight? Purge
Boyfriend dumps me? Purge
Look at or touch my small uneven breasts? Purge
Think about the empty future? Purge
I can't talk about any of this with anyone. Because they can only say what I already know.
It's dangerous.
It's killing me.
My body will look even worse.
I think it couldn't.
And why should I care when I'm not happy being alive anyway.
I wish I had a large canister of Carbon Monoxide.
