i don't blame my actions on anyone else or anything because when a decision is made its comes down solely to the person whom has the choice options. decisions can be influenced but never done by an outsider whom the options does not belong to.
i was once addicted to masturbation and porn. now i still struggle.
5 years ago i lied repeatedly to my pastor and friends that i had been raped and pregnant. they still don't know i lied to them. it breaks me to know what kind of person i was back then.
i was touched by my brother in law, who tried to have sex with me. i was in the third grade, and didn't know that it was truly wrong. and i went along with it. i even told my older sister right after what happened but she didn't believe me.
when i was a child i was encouraged to do sexual exploration by a person whom i trusted.
when i was a kid me and some younger family members sexually explored each other. as the older kid i feel and fear it was a form of molestation.
at several points in my life when i was in the sixth grade to be exact, a person i once called friend, was talking to a guy named lee. he was a perverted man. he would buy that person and people i knew gifts. but he always expected something in return even though he never got any.
on time they called him and told me to go outside and go get the stuff from him that he was safe. so i went outside and met him in his truck. he made me "take a ride down the road". he started to get physical and when we came to a stop i freaked out and ran away.
he came by another time and apologized for his actions. i felt terrified and disgusted by him and never wanted to be near him again. but none the less, i accepted his apology so i could leave the room as quickly as possibly.
i hated sleeping over her house after that.
another time he came over, she wanted to drive his truck, but he said he wouldn't allow unless he got something from me.
i refused i didn't want to. that's not the type of person i am.
she threatened if i didn't do what was wanted my hidden demons of my earlier past would be revealed to my family. i was already damaged knowing the mistakes i had made in the past, and already sick knowing i could never get my purity back, & showing my family, is more of a humiliation and rejection then i could ever bare. but i still refused.
and i still got s*** for it, i didn't want to hurt and disgrace my family with my previous actions. i wasn't thinking straight. i should have said no and ran like hell away, and say i'd rather accept the punishment for my past demons and get beaten by my parents and ridiculed by my family then letting that happen and shame my self and them even more than my past demons would. but i didn't.
no, i just sat there crying and guilty and ashamed. i didn't want my demons to be released.
now i have to deal with this bigger demon.
i let him touch me, while i sat there disgusted and shamed. he probed me and touched me with his perverted fingers and sucked on my flesh with his disgusting mouth.
it was sin, sin that i brought upon my self. sin that i wouldn't need to bare if i didn't let it happen.
till this very day i still feel filthy. i blame myself for being incapable of not knowing how to love someone correctly.
for my fear of commitment and of sex.
i am filthy because of every wrong choice i have made. and now, i have no way of fixing my wrongs.
i made myself damaged by not doing the right thing. now i have to live with it like this. each day it slowly kills another part of me. and i don't know how to start over, fresh. i don't know how to truly be happy. i have confessed to few of the people i know, and they have forgiven me. but i still have yet to confess to everyone else i know.
i still have yet to confess the truth to those whom i love. and saying sorry will never fix what I've done. but i hope one day it can give me the chance for a new beginning and foundation. to know that i can live my life with no hidden demons and move forward knowing i have nothing holding me down, nothing that is hidden. my shame would be exposed so i could start to heal again. that is my hope.