was it rape?
I was in a relationship for four years. We broke up but decided to try to remain friends. One night we went out with a group of mutual friends. My ex boyfriend got really drunk and went home early, leaving me with his friend, Matt. I thought if he trusted Matt it would be fine. So Matt and I went to look for a party. I met some friends but we lost them along the way. Next thing I knew Matt had hailed a cab and was telling me to come back to his place. I was very dubious but in my drunken state decided to go for it, don't know why. Matt had recently split up with his girlfriend of 8 years and wanted to talk about it. So we got back to his place, drank a little more, then he gave me an ecstacy tablet and I took it. I had taken e many times before but it hadn't affected me as strongly as this time. I began to hallucinate and was confused about where I was. So of course he started coming on to me. I resisted telling him I didnt want to and I couldnt do it to my ex. I wasnt attracted to him at all and my instincts were saying no! but I couldnt stop him. He kept touching me and I felt like there was no point in trying to fight it, it was going to happen anyway. I felt absolutely nothing, just cold and used.
Now of course I bitterly regret what happened. Matt and my ex are no longer friends. When I saw our mutual friends afterwards they looked at me with disgust and wouldnt speak to me and yet continue to talk to him. I wanted to tell them what really happened but I still feel like its basically my fault. I shouldnt have gone back to his place and I shouldnt have taken the e tablet. But I did. I felt really depressed afterwards and ending up leaving the country because I couldnt stand the reminders of what I had done. I'm confused whether it can be considered rape as in the beginning I kept saying no but then he wore me down and I consented. I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.