I am so f*****.
I have this friend that I hadn't seen since high school. We finally hung out one day. She was dating the same guy she dated in high school again. We went to the movies, but had time before the show. We were sitting in the parking lot, thinking of ways to waste time before the movie, and she jokingly suggested we park in the far corner of the lot and have s**. I went along with the joke, though saying her boyfriend probably wouldn't appreciate that. Eventually, we watched the movie and went home.
We hung out again, only this time, she comes over to hang at my place. Somehow, back and shoulder massages come into play. I was turned on by this, since I hadn't had s** in almost a year, and I have a high s**-drive. That was the last time we'd know innocence between us.
The next time, she again comes over. She bought massage oil, because we both texted each other how much we enjoyed the massages, and it both turned us on. I knew something was going to happen. I wasn't wrong. The massage turned into groping. Groping turned into sexual acts. The sexual acts turned into all-out s**.
We had s** three times that night. We both needed it, since her boyfriend apparently works a lot. She stated her s** life with him could have been better. I asked her before what he would think if we had s**. She told me he wouldn't care and would probably laugh. This led me to believe they were in a open-relationship. So, I went for it. I wanted to release my sexual frustration.
Then she asked a question I did NOT want to hear. She asked what I thought of her. Being extremely familiar with this trap, I managed to derail the topic several times. I knew what she was getting at. She wanted a relationship.
This doesn't seem quite fair. She never gave me hints that the s** would lead into something more. I honestly thought she, like myself, just wanted a release. I thought once we did it, things would resume with the way there were. Me being single, her with her boyfriend, everyone is happy. Oh, how I wish that were true.
After the s**, she'd randomly kiss me on the lips, cuddle up to me, and basically do whatever someone in a relationship would do. She asked that dreaded question again. This time, I was a little more direct with her. She asked if I had feelings for her romantically, and all I could muster was "I don't know." That was bullshit. I knew damn well that I didn't.
I told her I had casual s** once before. The aftermath of that wasn't fun, and normally I only have s** with those I'm in a relationship with. She asked if she was just a f***. I said she wasn't. She quickly changed the topic and cut me off before I could elaborate.
She's visiting again this weekend. She keeps sending texts to my phone. She even randomly bought my little sister something, which scares the living s*** out of me. I really, really don't want to be in a relationship. I just feel bad about it, because she doesn't have many friends.
One on hand, I'd feel like an a****** telling her this. On the other, she didn't handle the situation very well either. She could have easily told me that she was planning a break-up or that the s** would lead to something more. If I had known it would, I wouldn't have done it.
So, how do I handle this? This is the most awkward position I've faced in awhile. I absolutely hate letting people down, but I fear what could happen if I don't.