Trauma's / BF's /Rape and Be-trail (Not Even Close To Half Of My Past)

I'm in high school and my past has many horrible memories and many traumas. I have a very hard time taking about talking about my past so in the last few years if anyone asked about my past or talk to me about it I would say bits and pieces but not exact details cause I simply couldn't.

So to start my story you should know that when I was in 8th grade I got pregnant on my first time ever having s**. I don't regret any of it and its something that I hope others learn to wait for their first time cause believe me after giving birth its something I wouldn't want to do again anytime soon. So now fast forward to January of 2010.

In 9th grade I got a boyfriend who I met in science class and after a month of talking and whatnot we ended up dating all the way till about May...and I really liked him except the fact that he was demanding and forceful sometimes which most people didn't see in him but after spending so much time with him you'd probably see the real him which I did. I was stupid with him I have to admit, all I wanted to do was make him happy and to make him happy I had s** with him a lot...and I ended up pregnant again. I think it was about 3 weeks into my pregnancy when a huge red flag went up...and I forced myself to get a abortion. Eventually I ended up telling him everything from my past including my son, and when I told him I got rid of the unborn kid he went turned on me. Because of him the last month of school was h*** for me because he told everyone everything...and it hurt me more then anything. Now fast forward to the beginning of school 2010 the first week. Now my bf (ex now, same guy above) invited me over to get my stuff and talk for a bit so I went over (NOT THINKING) and he was alone at his place. We sat on the couch eating and watching TV talking to enjoying the time and when it came time for me to leave I grabbed my stuff and had the door open when he grabbed my arm forcefully and pulled me back and slammed the door shut. I have to admit I was very confused at this time. He had now pinned me to the wall and was forcefully kiss me, then he had slammed me to the ground as I am now screaming my head off pushing him and hitting. By now he was pulling my cloths off and had now pulled out his p****. I continued to fight to get him off but compared to him I am not even half his body sized and when he put his p**** in and was going, I realized I couldn't do anything anymore. I now was crying and saying get off faintly to him as he the time he was done it had been about a hour. I layed there crying for about 20 minutes then put my cloths back on in deep pain and left. As I biked home I cryed to the point where I couldn't go any further and had to stop. About 3 days later (Still didn't shower and very shaken still) my mom came and asked me whats wrong and I broke down and said it all. My mom cryed and screamed. The next morning she dropped me at school and brought my lil sister to school at 9am. In the halls I saw my ex as he stared right at me I could see the guilt on his face...he knew he raped me. My mom picked me up and brought me to the hospital around 10am. I remember the nurses and doctors and the police testing me, asking me questions. I got out of there around 1:45pm, I had decided not to press charges. Now fast forward to December of 2010.

I meet this guy who is very nice and begin to date him. (You should know I was still having a really hard time trusting people in general) So I decided to only tell certain things about my past to this new guy. About 4 months down the road after many times hanging out and learning so much about this guy that I had fallen madly in love with I decide to tell him a big part about my past which is my son. After telling him about it I realized I shouldn't have said anything. After that day I definetly saw our relationshio falling apart and I felt very unsupported by him and hurt cause I had just told him about a mistake I made 2 years ago and he looked me in the eyes and say f the past I love you so much which I thought to myself okay he's excepting the fact of it now. About 5 days later he emails me saying its over...and my heart shattered to the point where I just didn't give a f*** anymore. He ment the world to me because I was still effected by my rape and had many flashbacks and was still getting bullied and harassed at my school and at the time he was the only person I could really just turn to a talk about things with and he walked away from me because he couldn't accept the fact that I had a kid...and he knew that my son was not in my life at all. He then turned to my ex (the on that raped me) and listened to all the lies he said about me. For him to just walk out on me hurt but for him to turn to me ex and listen to the lies he's telling completely and 100% shattered my heart and I sit here everyday hating him for it but not once have I ask him why he had the nerve to talk to my rapist. One I hope to ask him about it and I know he doesn't deserve a drop of my respect whats so ever. So as my Sohopmore year of school wraps up I close this chaper of my life now and just hope this ex finally understands why I can't tell him everything about my past because I have been betrayed by the people I loved my whole life and my rapist was the one who put the cherry on top!

May 14, 2011

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  • God that sucks no neither of them deserve even a molocule of ur concern u'll b fine & they'll be begging for u back & u can just laugh & laugh & laugh don't worry

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