I dont want this any more...
I am 6 months pregnant with a child I am not ready for. I Love children. they are fun and cute and lovable. But I am not ready for all that Ive already been through. I have been sick with morning sickness from week 6 on up till now. I puke almost everyday. I lost 16 lbs. It has only been to recently that I quit my job, that I was able to gain 4 lbs. But even now, I have not gained any more weight. Now I have the flu. So on top of not feeling well with the pregnancy, I have body aches, a sore throat, sore ears, stuffed up nose, and still no appetite to eat anything. I cant enjoy the things I once did. I get to tired when I stand for too long. I cant go out with my non-pregnant, childless friends. One drunk friend told me that she wouldnt go out if she was pregnant, because she would think everyone would think she was fat. great for my self esteem.
I had to go back to college to avoid paying my college loans. No one will hire me because i have a bad work history to begin with, plus being pregnant, and a full time student. So no job, I had to fight to get unemployment, Ive had to fight to get health insurance through the state... which i still dont have. Which in this state the only requirement to get health insurance is to be pregnant...yea I guess not. I have to work for free- every where...
My fiance- who only proposed to me after we found out i was pregnant- is "stressed out" because he has to pay two months of rent and bills before I can get any aid of any kind. He doesnt realize that Ive had to make up the difference that he cant make when he's laid off during the winter. Some how there is no difference there. Even though he makes twice as much as I have ever made.
He works very hard. Before Being pregnant and even during, I would give him back rubs and rub his feet. I mean good ones, to the point he falls asleeep. what do I get? a two minute rub. no relieve from any pain that I have.
The baby is moving now. Alot. It feels cool. I would think that daddy would want to feel some of it. but as soon has he puts his hand on my stomach. it stops, and he doesnt wait the two seconds for it to start back up. "oh well, I cant feel it. Ill feel it later. My arms hurt." Oh well, thats nice. Ive been sick for five months and theres a basket ball in my belly that EVERYONE stares at...your poor arms.
I told him tonight that Im depressed with how Ive been feeling and how everything is bothering me. his only comment was that of course i was going to feel that way, ive been sick for 5 months. and "I dont know why your always like this." Thanks for reading the baby book to know what Im going through so you can help me coop with the changes im going through. And thanks for bucking up and being a man who is almost 30 and stop making your weekly trip to d**** to buy s*** you dont need, and then complain about how you have to pay for everything. Na dont worry about it. I'll just stay home when you go out to the bar with your friends, and spend the whole week out fishing every waking second of the day. and then wonder why it p***** me off when no ones there to talk to me, or rub my feet, or lay in bed and watch a movie with me.
I really want to kill myself. Ive always wanted to. I know that sounds really bad. But Ive wanted to since i was a teenager. The only thing that stopped me was the idea that things would get better. I would one day get married to someone who loves me and I would have children with that man. I would get a job in the career that I went to school in and have a comfortable life. HAHAHA! Im 6 months pregnant, engaged to a man who is more concerned about himself than anything else(yes he loves me. But i come after fishing and what his friends are doing), and I spent WAY to much money on a career that I will more than likely never have the chance to live comfortable in- if I even get into it. No worries to the people who think that I am a danger to my child. I would never hurt my baby. I child doesnt deserve that.
Thank you to whom ever reads this. I have no one to talk to in my life who will just listen to what I have to say. Everyone ignores everything thats going on. Doesnt believe Im as sick as I am. Or just laughs "with me."