17 years being married to a s** addict~ self esteem shot...don't know what
I feel empty. I have been married for 17 years to a man that I love, but he does not act like he even likes me. I believe he is a good man but has a very big problem that is growing bigger. I have "feelings" that I know that stuff is going on but he will not confess. In the past I have found that he was having online affairs...I have proff of that. His p*** addiction is all consuming....but my gut tells me he has moved on to real life people. He is a voyeur also...I'm scared! I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I will contract something gross from him. I waited until I was married to have s**...I did not expect this. I have 2 sons 14 & 16....I live in a gorgeous house and have all my needs met in that way so it is easy to justify to myself that staying is the right thing to do. I have been willing to stand by him and do whatever it takes...but he refuses counceling...he refuses to even talk about the issues as if not talking about them doesn't make them real. We don't really have s** anymore. He kisses me with super tight lips and is looking at me like he sees thru me. When we do have s**- now it feels so dispassionate...I kinda feel like throwing up. I feel robbed...I feel hopeless...I'm thinking of confronting him again...but then I feel that hopeless feeling inside that says it wouldn't make a difference anyways so why bother. I deeply believe in the covenent I made when I got married...if it weren't for my relationship with Christ I know I would have already cheated on him by now~ I'm so lonely. But I know that would only make things worse AND I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'm almost 40 and my beauty is almost all but gone...I have given every part of myself to my family...what should I do...who will I be...Who will want this empty girl I have become? IS there anyone else out there with a similiar story?...am I alone? Any guy perspectives too ...I just need to know if there is hope~ if I should continue to fight for this marriage I'm in.