Rape has been on my mind
Seven years ago I was raped by my boyfriend. My mind has blocked out most of the details and even though it was long ago, I haven't been able to clearly define it as rape. Probably because the only forms of rape we see are when people have physical violence and people threatening their life. I used to dream and wish those kinds of rapes would happen to me. That was easier to deal with and more easily defined than just a boyfriend who acts like you didn't say anything. He wasn't deaf. I wish I knew how to tell my family about this. It's important to me.
He came over with one thing in mind. S**. I said no and that I wasn't ready but I didn't fight him back. I was only fifteen and he was my boyfriend. I thought no means no. Anyways, I don't remember him forcing me, just 'guiding me' and I don't remember any threats. It's been eating at me for years now and I wish I could finally talk about it. It's traumatized my life, especially in the s** department. Even though I am happy and have a good husband and daughter, I still feel like I wont be resolved of my issues until I can properly deal with this. I can't keep hiding it away deep within me, I've been doing that for 7 years now.
Now that I am confronting it, I am trying to deal with it. All those around me are telling me to move on and forget about it. Although it wasn't a (what people know as a) brutal rape, it I still said no and he took that right away from me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it because I don't think people will believe me or that they will brush it off like it was nothing. Five years ago i tried to tell my best friend and she shut me down because she didn't want to believe it was possible. How can I have a good life, but still not be resolved of my issues. Plus, it doesn't help that I looked him up and he isa happy newlywed. He doesn't know the pain he caused me.