Do I want to be with boyf or f*** my instructor or both, help

I started dating my boyf 10 yrs ago, I wasnt really attracted to him but just wanted someone to have s** with, as my last 2 boyfs had left me when i initiated anything. Then I realised that I didnt actually like his personality, i hated spending time with him but wanted to experience being in a proper long term relationship, I didnt even close my eyes when kissing him, pathetic eh.

As time went on I hated him more and more and became more depressed, really depressed, which was new for me and scared me. He only wanted to spend time with me doing what he wanted, keep feeling me up (inside my clothes) when his friends were there and even though I told him to stop having s** with me in my parents house he wouldnt. I felt like s***. But i thought he cared cause he was clearly attracted to me and stopped me using drugs.

2 yrs on, i decided to get my self together and get out. Every fight I broke it off but we always ended up together. I could be wrong but, I attribute this to me having low self worth.

The yrs after passed and I had so so much family trauma, (both my parents have life threatening illnesses and my siblings all have serious illnesses as well) that i felt so alone and needed someone. We now have a baby and a decade has passed and I'd forgotten how deeply unhappy I was, for some reason, I have no idea what that reason is, perhaps the mind just adapts, until recently.

I started driving lessons, found myself attracted to the instructor (he's not actually attractive so it just be the situation causing this). None the less its confusing me so much, I think about him all the time and dont want to, I just want to do dirty stuff with him, and its bringing back all the old memories about my relationship and making me incredibly depressed :( :( :(

My boyfriend also slept with someone else about 6 yrs ago when i kept breaking up with him and getting back together and i tried make a move on another guy (just because i wanted out of our relationship) but never acually did anything with them, not even a kiss and then my boyf kissed a girl and slept with her the next night.

The thing with the instructor is bringing back the feelings of this and I'm thinking 'he cud be sleeping with anyone, at anytime like he did then and i wudnt even know' I feel like I'm never going to stop feeling like I want out, its always going to come back and I'll never be able to cope as a single person as this was the rason I went out with someone I didnt like in the first place. I know its a long story, but it has been a decade. Really need help, cant tell anyone, theyd know how pathetic I was

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