I AM A GANG RAPE SURVIVOR I FEEL SO GUILTY AND ALONE
I am a rape survivor…I was abused …repeatedly gang raped by a high school cheer leading squad…against my will and the worst part is that I started to enjoy it…I feel so ashamed and used…like I am trash…I have thought of killing myself.
It happened the first time when I was only 35 I was walking home from work and passed a high school…the female cheer leaders were working on their routines. I stopped and watched them…just innocently I was fascinated by their pysical abilities.. after a few mins. one of them I think it was the gang leader, she was a tall lanky girl with a dominant attitude..she noticed me and asked me to join them and help them with their routines…well being naive and a virgin I stupidly agreed..the girls would jump and I would catch them..nothing major there I felt uncomfortable because some of them began to touch me inappropriately…but it got worse! After they had all run and I caught them a few times, the told me I was very handsome and they liked them…I was of course flattered but then the invited to come with them to there cheer leading van for a coke to repay me for my help…like a poor naive guy I said yes and they surrounded me…somewhat too closely I remember now and led me to the van…The gang leader opened up the van and handed me a can of coke then said…it’s too warm let me put that in a glass…well I should have run at that point but like I have said I was too naive so I said okay..then the gang leader said that she couldn’t reach the cups would I climb inside and bring out some for everybody…thinking that this was an innocent request I of course agreed…so I climbed inside…they all laughed…an evil knowing laugh and before I could do anything, they all piled inside, grabbed me and held me down..I cried and struggled but it was no use there were too many of them and they were too determined to have me…AND THEY ALL DID…I won’t go into everything they made me do but it involved numerous positions and choclate syrup…the last part is the worst I can’t enjoy chocolate to this very day…
After they all had their way with me and made me do evil disqusting things to them and they to me…finally they let me go…I cried all the way home…I was afraid to tell anyone and I couldn’t sleep all night… The next day I went to work…just outside I saw one of them in street clothes..she was standing on the corner near my house ..before I could go back home she approached me and said, ” I hope you enjoyed yesterday as much as we all did, I knew you were a s***” I told her I didn’t want to do that again and that it hurt….to leave me alone…She told me that they had picked me as their mascot…that I would service all of them whenever they wanted…she said that she never where I lived and who my parents were and where my little sister and brother went to school so I better play along or harm would come to them. I was terrified, I cried and begged her not to do this but she just laughed evilly and said that I should get over it…no big deal …just give it up and no one gets hurt….
I ran away from her as fast as I could ducking into some bushes near school, I got sick and threw up…then later I thought about it…I tried talking to my mom about it but she wouldn’t believe me…so I kept quiet…I didn’t go to work for three days hoping they would forget about me…but my boss called and yelled at me and made me go then when I was walking home I avoided the high school but just as I was close to home four of these girls jumped out of the bushes and grabbed me…One of them the gang leader put her hand over my mouth the others held my arms and legs and they dragged into a secluded wooded aread, tore off my clothes and abused me…I cried and struggled but to no avail…the worst part is that I kept getting an erection…and I even had an o*****…more than once…Now I feel horrible…I have lost interest in my play station, even my collection of dust bunnies…I tried to speak to the Human Resources person but she just laughed her ass off at me and pushed me out the door….
The next day they took me again, this time they made me do even sicker things, they put their nasty bits in my face and made me…do oral…then they used me and my private parts again…I cried but not as much I have learn to accept their cruelty….and the way they moan and grunt as they use me…I know they don’t love me…they just all use me like a w****…I hate it …but sometimes I feel good when they do it to me even though I feel disgusted with myself later and I hate them so much..The last time they raped me was just a day ago…this time they didn’t wait for me to get out of work they all came over at lunch and just took me….I didn’t fight them this time..I knew what would happen if I tried to stop them they would beat me and still rape me…so I just went with them..again the gang leader put her arm around me and said…well well Billy we have been thinking about you all day…come with us we need to let off some steam….ha ha …then they all giggled…one of them the Latin girl…pinched me on the buttocks another one slapped me there..and said…gotta have some of that real soon…mmmm…
I went with them but I didn’t want to …I just wanted to get it over with….and I hoped that if I cooperated with them they wouldn’t hurt me so much…I WAS WRONG AGAIN…..they took me to their cheer leading office on the High School campus and made me strip in front of them…then they stripped ..but they stripped while singing the school fight song and doing cheers..the Asian one did the splits in front of me and she was naked…I was so scared…..after
That things got real bad for me…they made me lie down on a matt then the African American girl put my thing in her mouth and made me get hard…I tried hard not to like and not to get all hard for them but I couldn’t my body betrayed they mounted me one after another and used me…I begged them to stop but they wouldn’t the African lady was the worst she was the last one and it was the worst…she wasn’t even nice she just straddled me and put my thingy inside her then said, “here we go b**** you better give me a good one or I will kick your little A….” I asked her not to do this to me but she just sneered and slapped my face then said, “shut up b****, you are ours to do with as we please”. It seemed like hours later before they let me go…finally they finished abusing me..no one even said thank you ..they just go up wipped themselves off and went back doing cheers…meanwhile I took this opportunity to escape…I grabbed my clothes and stumbled out of the office …I went home…into my room and I cried all night long. I can’t eat now or sleep…I can’t stand to have someone touch me..
I feel guilty and ashamed…can anyone help?