Oral s** with a someone I barely knew
Okay before anyone comments and acts really judgmental I'd like to explain the situation. Right so, I was going out for the night a year ago with my friends. We went out and we all got so so drunk. We were in the nightclub and got talking to these group of lads. We just having a laugh even though we were all really drunk. I kept drinking and I was absolutely hammered. Somehow, I'm not sure if it was me who initiated it or the guy I was hanging out with, but i have a recollection of me initiating it-- I ended up going off to the bathrooms with this guy. And while I was there I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing and ended up giving him oral s**.
I had just met him that night and I did speak to him a bit but I barely knew him! But I was so so so drunk I had no sense of what I was doing! So we left the bathroom anyway and I think I must have told someone what happened - a guy acquaintance (Because a few weekends later I saw him out and he somehow knew about it). Anyways I told my friends and they said it was okay but I felt horrible. The next morning I was absolutely destroyed. I'd never drank so so much in my life, I truthfully just wanted to curl up in a ball and die...
As I started to sober up during the day, the full intensity of what I'd done really dawned on me. I am no s*** at all. I'm a virgin & have never had a serious boyfriend. Many people consider me to be quite respectable. Now I did something like this. I felt self loathing. Worry. And shame.
The guy had added me on Facebook the night before, we spoke once but i didn't want anything to do with him because it just felt like a total f*** up.
Then after we spoke once the guy deleted me off facebook! Then a while after this i come across a group on facebook, an 'appreciation' page for the same guy-- It was a pg dedicated to him for scoring a lot ! So that really freaked me out cos I got thinking that what if I'm after catching something off this slime ball??
I never got tested b/c well...i rem that i didnt 'swallow' or anything so i didn't think there was any point.!
For nearly a year now i have successfully blocked this whole incident from my memory because i feel like a horrible horrible s*** b/c of it.! When I really amn't.!
Now it's been haunting me again. I get a sick feeling to the pit of my stomach when I think about it.I'm trying to move on from it as it happened a year ago and it doesn't even matter anymore.......But I still feel ashamed, and cheap and dirty.
SOOO MUCH has changed in this last yr...I dont go partying at all now as i have no interest..i haven't heard from the guy since....So i really think its just a matter of overcoming it myself but I want it to happen asap....
I'm also worried that someone might have seen me go into the bathroom nd thought i was having s** with the guy or something.! Chances are someone DID see and god knows what kind of rumours might have gone round about me without me even knowing.
And that other guy somehow found out as well-maybe i told him but i cant remember- Whos to know he didnt tell a load of other people??
I'm from a small town in case ur wondering so thats why im so concerned about that!!
So PHEW there we go. My confession is out. Please don't judge me. I'm a good person who made a silly mistake. :/ Comment with your thoughts. But only if they're good. I don't think I'm able to deal with bad ones.....