Douchebag of my life

I hate you, Dad.

You think you're doing nothing wrong.
You think it's okay to go to your ex wife's place because she's helping us stand up again from this financial situation.
You think it's okay to disappear from your own home to go there and spend the night.
You think it's okay to lie that you're at work when, really, you're over there.
You think it's okay for me and Mom because you're not physically hurting us and it's for the good of our lives, but you are.

It may not be physical but you are hurting her emotionally.

You're scarring her, and me, for life.

And I can't do anything about it because if I do something stupid like maybe stand up to you, you'll stop helping us.
I won't get to college and we'll have no place to live because you brought us to this foreign place with no relatives whatsoever that could help us. That's the only thing that's keeping us from running away and leaving you.
I'm afraid if I'd make you choose, you'd choose them.

I'll try my best to protect Mom, study hard, be strong and endure all this bullshit you're putting us through. Because, Dad, we can't just "accept it." It's only until I finish college, get a job and earn some money. Once I do that, I'll support Mom and we'll leave you behind. I don't care if it sounds mean because nobody deserves what you're putting us through. Walking through everyday with a fake smile and pretending there's nothing wrong and that we're a big happy family while on the other side of the curtain, you go to your ex's place and do something God knows what. It's just wrong.

The thing I only fear the most is if something were to happen to Mom. I'm worried that all this fakeness and pretending that there's nothing wrong will push her to the edge. I'm scared that she can't put up with it anymore. I'm afraid that she'll end her life.

And if that happens, I'll blame you. I'll blame everything to you. It's all going to be your fault. I'll tell you everything that she has ever wanted to say and blame you for her death. I won't be scared to stand up to you anymore because I've got nothing to lose.

And if I'm done saying my piece, I'll take away my life too. Because I'd rather go to h*** than stay behind with you.

May 26, 2012

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