I am depressed, sad, f***** up, feel like s***.
I am having a bad day. I am so tired of seeing people do so well and posting it on Facebook. I get jealous because people do well. One person in particular who I've known since childhood and has "won" at life.
While I have lost everything. Lost a father to ALS when I was 14. Lost a marriage and a house and children when I was 36. Living in my girlfriend's ex-husband's house. My credit is f***** up and I can't get a credit card.
I work out (run, lift weights, do pull-ups) but I am constantly sore. I am still fat and weigh 225 pounds even though if I push myself hard I can d 10 pull-ups. My friend can do 40 pull-ups and is a piece of solid rock. He can f*** his wife for hours. He has a everything, a great house, great marriage, successful children, successful business, and is a physical beast (athletic).
I am rambling, yes I know. But I ramble, I can't put my thought together. I start one story and run off on tangents. It's just the way I am. I have trouble staying on track.
I clean my girlfriend's house but her 3 year old daughter and our 4 cats f*** the house up all the time. I wake up every morning and find cat vomit on the floor. The fur and dander from the cats cause us Asthma problems. I hate those f****** cats. I want to take them to the Animal Shelter but she doesn't let me. My girlfriend is an animal lover, she has guilt and she starts to cry at the thought that those stupid cats would be euthanized. Maybe I should be euthanized. Tired of this life.
My girlfriend is the best thing in my life besides her f****** cats (her kids are a pain in the f****** ass too but there's nothing I can do about that). She has helped me and I am thankful for that at least. We f*** everyday and she tells me I have a big c***, (I know she's lying, my c*** is small) and she comes a lot when we have s**. I know she comes because I can feel it. Her p**** contracts and she squirts. So I know at least my little d*** pleasures her. I guess my little c*** massages her p**** walls and her c*** and she comes a lot.
Anyway, I want to be an athlete but every time I push myself hard I get aches and pains. Then I have to stop and can't work out for a while, and I lose what little progress I made. I am still fat. I weigh 225 pounds. I have hurt my nck, back, leg, elbow, and foot working out (running, push-ups, pull-ups, etc.) I hate my non-athletic body. I can't lose weight.
I'm seeing a chiropractor who promises me that after 3 months of adjustments I will be totally pain-free and have a straight spine and neck. He says that my body will heal itself after self-adjustment and my Asthma and chronic pain will go away, and that I will naturally slim down. OK, I'll believe that when I see it.
I work with f****** morons at my job. I have them all. They are the worst, most disorganized bunch of a******* in the world. I wish them all dead. I hate my boss, a rich f****** a****** who has everything a man could ever dream of. A gorgeous, multi-million dollar condo-mansion by the beach, and more money in the bank than he knows what to do with, but guess what, he is still a douche.
Anyway, all I see is people with more than me. I had a chance at my dream (house, car, kids, nice s***) and lost it all (married a f****** crazy a****** b****) and now I'm f***** economically, emotionally and physically.
I practice Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, for those who don't know it's a martial art that involves wrestling and grappling, chokes, and s*** like that. Google it. Anyway I still suck at it because I can't physically keep up with everyone else because my body just sucks. And I can't wrap my head around the techniques; it is just very difficult to master. So many subtile things and techniques that frustrate the f*** out of me.
I feel cheated by my genetics. I just don't seem to measure up in any one area, in any discipline. I suck as an athlete. I and just a disaster managing things; can't even manage my own life, and emotionally I am a wreck. I just get down on everything and I am always depressed. It just sucks.
I am stuck raising my 2 kids from my failed marriage, have to e a mom and a dad, want to do all these other things, hate my job. I am just right now in a haze; so many thoughts in my head I can't shut anything out.
I just feel like I am mediocre in everything and I have a failed life, I don't even have a home (all my friends have homes). I am just failing at life; my family sucks, my brothers, sister and mother don't give a s***, everyone has their own f****** problems/and/or great life on Facebook. Tired of seeing happy people.
Doubt that anyone has gotten this far in my message to even give a f***. I feel like everyone around me has an awesome life and I don't. What a failure. If I wasn't such a coward I would just kill myself. (I can't even kill myself... I am afraid of the pain of dying. I am afraid of suffocation and afraid of pay). What a f****** p**** I am.
Now I have to get back to work on this stupid f****** Powerpoint. Bored to tears at my job. F****** BORED to TEARS.