Help Me.....What Do I Do???

I had an affair on my wife about a year ago. Prior to the affair, my wife refused to have s** with me or show me any affection whatsoever for almost a year. That however is no excuse for my actions because ultimately I could have sought help another way. I allowed my sexual frustrations with my wife to drive me to commit a terrible act, and for that I am truly sorry!

I was in my late thirties at the time and the other woman was in her early twenties. There was no emotional relationship, the arrangement started by me paying for a sensual massage from this young woman just to feel a woman's touch, something that I hadn't felt for so long! The next time I saw her, I asked if we could go further because she seemed to be attracted to me as well. We ended up having s** that day and on one other occasion 3 weeks after that. The second time that we had s** the condom broke early on and I immediately put another one on before finishing, but netiher of us thought any more about it. I guess we were just caught up in the moment.

Days afterward, my conscience ate me up so bad that I confessed what I had done to my wife. I also contacted the other woman and told her that I could not see her again because my significant other now knew I had cheated. I have not spoken to that woman since. I also sought counseling through my congregation. I got the help I needed, but was put on disciplinary restrictions at my place of worship because my behavior was unbecoming to a Christian.

Needless to say, my wife was deeply hurt because of my actions and rightfully so. I almost gave her a nervous break-down! We went the following 6 months being basically seperated under the same living quarters. I took every STD test known to man and was pronounced disease free by my physician. My wife decided not to divorce me after the 6 month separation period and we started to work towards reconciliation, although it has been very difficult these last 6 months, but we wanted to give our marriage a second try especially for the sake of our son.

Something has come about though, that will forever change lives, and I feel so terrible for it! With the presence of Facebook and Twitter everywhere, through mutual acqaintences, I have stumbled upon the other woman's Twitter/Instagram profile. Granted I have never spoke nor laid eyes on this woman for over a year only to find out that she's been posting pictures everywhere of her beautiful new baby girl. Even though there has of course been no paternity test, the baby looks like my twin! Deep down I know that a test would be just a waste of money, because one look at the baby and there's no denying it's mine.

My excrusiating dilemna has numerous problem factors:

1. The fact that the other woman chose not to contact me the whole freaking time she was pregnant, makes me suspect that she doesn't want me to know, nor does she have a clue that I know that she has had a child. Is this because she's afraid that she will have to share parenting of her child with a man who is a complete stranger? Is it embarrassment that the baby was conceived in a mutually beneficial financial arrangement? Is it embarrassment that the baby was conceived with a guy who's much older than she is and a different race than she is? Is it the fact that she knows that I'm in a relationship and calls herself doing something honorable by not destroying my family? I just don't know?????
2. In addition to the other woman not knowing what I have stumbled upon, my wife does not know what I've stumbled upon. Telling her is guaranteed family destruction, shame, and embarrassment. Afterall, she always wanted a little girl with me when we were younger but I didn't want another child. Even though she knows about my infidelity with this woman, knowing that there's a possibility that I have fathered a baby girl with a complete stranger and not my wife would devastate her!
3. Pursuing validation of my suspensions would also open a financial can of worms that would devastate my family as well. Like most working class people, we get by; but not with any extras. If legalities and ethical responsibilites were determined, my current family would loose everything we have because of my obligation to take care of a child that I fathered with another woman.

The odds are that this other woman does not want me to know, neither do I anticipate her running into her every again. But the problem is this; Will I ever be able to live with myself knowing that I may have a daughter somewhere out there who has to grow up without knowing who her father is? Or can I live with the fact that if I pursue this, I am single-handedly ruining my family's life only to pursue what will no doubt be a strained new relationship at best?

I do realize that nothing would ever happen until paternity is sought and proven, but my conscience is eating me up! Will this feeling ever go away? On one hand I walk away from my suspicions and I hurt only myself with a tormented conscience for the rest of my natural life with a broken heart of not being there for what may be my daughter! Or if I did pursue what is at this point only a strong hunch, I hurt many more people!

What do I do?


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  • Stop stalking the woman on facebook and twitter. #1 reasons why relationships fail these days. You reopened the can of worms. Have you considered that this woman had arrangements with other men? This child is may not be yours. And yes, maybe she doesn't want to co parent with a stranger. If she did, she probably would have contacted in the early stages of her pregnancy asking for $$.

    What do you do? You're so concerned with how contacting this woman will devastate your wife, but yet you cheated on her. Give your wife some credit, she's probably stronger then you think. She's probably still hurt by your actions. Maybe you don't tell her unless you actually know the results. And this is not the daughter she's hoping for. Given that your marriage was in trouble before, seek actual intensive marriage counseling..not through your church. Something that actually deals with the issues you need to deal with both personally and as a couple: s**, intimacy and trust etc..

    Don't stay with your wife for the sake of your son or what your religion dictates. Divorce hurts, but having parents stay together who are no longer able to make it work, unable to show affection or cheat on one another hurts more. A child learns about relationships from their parents. Man up, have some integrity and do the right thing for all involved. Even if it hurts your wallet a bit more. You can't always make everyone happy, but you can do the right thing.

  • Let me see,a bullet to the brain might be the best treatment for you.Anyway,you decide.just kidding around.

  • Alrighty, first of all put down the whip. You did something that you consider wrong, fine. Freaking out about it will not do any good. What you need to do is simple to say but harder to do. I will lay out a few options here.

    #1. You can ignore this whole thing, bury your head in the sand and hope that your metaphysical tiger doesn’t bite you on the bottom.

    #2. Take ownership for your actions. Also known as "manning up". According too your personal code of ethics and morality you have done wrong and now must pay the price. Contact the woman in question and ask for paternity test. This will enable the law to dictate your possible responsibility for this child with a few possible outcomes.

    #3. If the test comes back negative then you have no problem. So unless you left something out in your confession like "I never used a condom and e********* within her", then I think it is safe to say that you are not the father.

    #4. The test comes back positive and you have to tell your wife and family about it throwing yourself on their mercy and accepting if they leave you for it. You understand that it is right for them to know about your new financial and emotional responsibility. You take an active role in the raising of the child and financially supporting it.

    #5. You contact the woman in question and request a paternity test, the test comes back positive. You hide the knowledge from your wife and family and start living the life of a lie. You try and sneak as much money as you can to your friend with benefits but otherwise ignore her and her child. You live in constant fear that the child will someday seek you out and expose your paternity in front of your family, or worse blackmail you with the threat of same.

    #6. You contact the woman in question and request a paternity test, the test comes back positive. You hide the knowledge from your wife and family and start living the life of a lie. You try and sneak as much money to your friend with benefits and try and spend as much time with her and you new child. You then must juggle two families. Inevitably you will end up getting caught or alienating everyone as you spend holidays ignoring one family or the other. Arguments about what you are doing and why can’t you be with the family for more holidays may become an issue with both of your families.

    #7. You contact the woman in question and request a paternity test. She says, "No she knows who the daddy is and its not you. They are together and very happy thank you for asking and please don’t call again". If this is the case then it is just a matter of putting down the whip and to start healing.

    #8 You contact the woman in question and request a paternity test, the test comes back positive. You tell your wife and family and introduce them to your other family. The two women being both good and kindly beings see in each other the beauty that you saw in them and become fast friends. You have her and her child move in with you and integrated into your family household. After all if Moses can have multiple wives why can’t you? You love both of your wives but with one of them you share great s**; while the other who is not interested in s** fulfills other needs of the family and yourself. You spend your remaining days in the peace and harmony of a well-balanced family who support each other in times of need and love each other for who they really are, rather than what they want us to be.

    #9. You contact the woman in question and request a paternity test, the test comes back positive. You admit the truth and your wife takes you to the cleaners. You end up losing everything you own except the shirt on your back. You are removed from your home and have to find a small bachelor apartment. You still have to work every day but between the alimony payments and the child support payments you are lucky if you have enough left over from the bills to eat. If you are lucky you will have visitation rights but only if you are willing to endure a long, expensive, and tedious, legal proceeding that your children will never forgive you for and never appreciate. Alternatively you could just not be allowed to ever see any of your kids again and you could have a restraining order placed on you to keep you away from them.

    Well there are my thoughts on the matter. I suppose I could come up with a few more scenarios but I am sure that after reading this you might be able to come up with a few of your own. The decision is of course up to you as to what you will do. I have tried to show you a few of the possibilities. I hope that it helps.

    As an aside. You would not be having this problem if you were not in the religion you are. There are any other religions and philosophies in the world that include the concept of polyamorism, (that's the love of more than one person at a time). Some of these include, Celtic, Roman, Etruscan, Hindu, Mormon, Wiccan, and Baha’i, even Jewish in some cases.

    So don’t beat yourself up about it.

    It is my opinion that everyone has needs. Not everyone’s needs are the same. That to ask someone to deny themselves of a need is wrong and cruel. That for some people s** is a need. In this case sexuality is a need of yours. This is an area where your wife should help fulfill one of your needs. It is not about her. It is about you. You have the right to ask her to fulfill your needs just as much as she has the right to ask you of the same. If she is unwilling or unable to help you with your needs then you should be allowed to find help elsewhere to meet that need; without being required to sacrifice your relationship to your family.

    Just sayin

  • Just because there may be some resemblance dose not prove anything. Plus if you were paying there may have been others as well, it could be she has no idea because it might be more than just a few men to pick from. I think you just feel guilty over the affair, the beet thing for you is to back away from this lady and focus on the responsibility you know you have, and that is your family! If in the future she seeks you out you will just have to deal with that at that time. Don't try to control something that is out of your control. Hope this helps


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