Help Me.....What Do I Do???
I had an affair on my wife about a year ago. Prior to the affair, my wife refused to have s** with me or show me any affection whatsoever for almost a year. That however is no excuse for my actions because ultimately I could have sought help another way. I allowed my sexual frustrations with my wife to drive me to commit a terrible act, and for that I am truly sorry!
I was in my late thirties at the time and the other woman was in her early twenties. There was no emotional relationship, the arrangement started by me paying for a sensual massage from this young woman just to feel a woman's touch, something that I hadn't felt for so long! The next time I saw her, I asked if we could go further because she seemed to be attracted to me as well. We ended up having s** that day and on one other occasion 3 weeks after that. The second time that we had s** the condom broke early on and I immediately put another one on before finishing, but netiher of us thought any more about it. I guess we were just caught up in the moment.
Days afterward, my conscience ate me up so bad that I confessed what I had done to my wife. I also contacted the other woman and told her that I could not see her again because my significant other now knew I had cheated. I have not spoken to that woman since. I also sought counseling through my congregation. I got the help I needed, but was put on disciplinary restrictions at my place of worship because my behavior was unbecoming to a Christian.
Needless to say, my wife was deeply hurt because of my actions and rightfully so. I almost gave her a nervous break-down! We went the following 6 months being basically seperated under the same living quarters. I took every STD test known to man and was pronounced disease free by my physician. My wife decided not to divorce me after the 6 month separation period and we started to work towards reconciliation, although it has been very difficult these last 6 months, but we wanted to give our marriage a second try especially for the sake of our son.
Something has come about though, that will forever change lives, and I feel so terrible for it! With the presence of Facebook and Twitter everywhere, through mutual acqaintences, I have stumbled upon the other woman's Twitter/Instagram profile. Granted I have never spoke nor laid eyes on this woman for over a year only to find out that she's been posting pictures everywhere of her beautiful new baby girl. Even though there has of course been no paternity test, the baby looks like my twin! Deep down I know that a test would be just a waste of money, because one look at the baby and there's no denying it's mine.
My excrusiating dilemna has numerous problem factors:
1. The fact that the other woman chose not to contact me the whole freaking time she was pregnant, makes me suspect that she doesn't want me to know, nor does she have a clue that I know that she has had a child. Is this because she's afraid that she will have to share parenting of her child with a man who is a complete stranger? Is it embarrassment that the baby was conceived in a mutually beneficial financial arrangement? Is it embarrassment that the baby was conceived with a guy who's much older than she is and a different race than she is? Is it the fact that she knows that I'm in a relationship and calls herself doing something honorable by not destroying my family? I just don't know?????
2. In addition to the other woman not knowing what I have stumbled upon, my wife does not know what I've stumbled upon. Telling her is guaranteed family destruction, shame, and embarrassment. Afterall, she always wanted a little girl with me when we were younger but I didn't want another child. Even though she knows about my infidelity with this woman, knowing that there's a possibility that I have fathered a baby girl with a complete stranger and not my wife would devastate her!
3. Pursuing validation of my suspensions would also open a financial can of worms that would devastate my family as well. Like most working class people, we get by; but not with any extras. If legalities and ethical responsibilites were determined, my current family would loose everything we have because of my obligation to take care of a child that I fathered with another woman.
The odds are that this other woman does not want me to know, neither do I anticipate her running into her every again. But the problem is this; Will I ever be able to live with myself knowing that I may have a daughter somewhere out there who has to grow up without knowing who her father is? Or can I live with the fact that if I pursue this, I am single-handedly ruining my family's life only to pursue what will no doubt be a strained new relationship at best?
I do realize that nothing would ever happen until paternity is sought and proven, but my conscience is eating me up! Will this feeling ever go away? On one hand I walk away from my suspicions and I hurt only myself with a tormented conscience for the rest of my natural life with a broken heart of not being there for what may be my daughter! Or if I did pursue what is at this point only a strong hunch, I hurt many more people!
What do I do?