I F***** Up

The one experience I wish I hadn’t would be the one involving a girl I met in my sophomore year of high school. During my lunch period, I met up with a friend I hung out with in my freshmen year. She happened to be there with him on the first day. They basically became my lunch-time friends.
So a few weeks passed, we had a few zainy conversations as a group and told each other about ourselves; I learned that the girl and I had a lot in common. so much in common that whenever my other friend was absent, I could have a conversation with her with no awkward pauses. In fact, it was with the first conversation I had with her alone that I’d realized that I was falling for her.
I loved everything about her; the big things, such as her personality, her interests; and the little things, such as the way she dressed the way she wore her hair, and her laugh was wonderful. I often times caught myself tying to make her laugh. It wasn’t hard, since her and I share a sense of humor. She was always the one who would laugh at my jokes when no one else would. H***,she was flat as a pancake, but never gave a s*** about that.
She was the first girl I legitimately liked, but being me, I had no idea how to tell her how I felt. I at first feared that she wouldn’t feel the same way; but my hopes where brought back up when she showed signs that said differently. She actually pulled the “I’m cold” thing, and I happened to be wearing a huge ski-jacket at the time. But the biggest thing was that she was always so nice to me. But then, with life being a cruel b****, something came up.
My dad got a board position with Redbox, which required him to get an office with them, not work from home. Problem was we lived in North Carolina, and the office was in Chicago; we had to move.I had three months left with her, in which time I could have told her how I felt, but I never did.
It’s been a little over a year now and I still can’t stop thinking about her. Every time she pops into my head, I mentally beat myself up about it. ‘Why didn’t you just tell her?!’ ‘You could have at least tried!’ ‘You had a perfect opportunity, and you f****** blew it!’. I’ve had periods of self-loathing before, but, never for this long.
I also began having fantasies about her. what it would be like to feel her bare skin against mine, what it would be like to feel her up, what it would be like to have s** with her. but lately I've only been thinking of what it would be like to just kiss her. i feel like a f****** creep.
She was like a moth that flew right into my open hand, at any point I could have put my hand over it to kept it there, and it probably wouldn’t have even tried to fly away. But in fear that I would scare it or hurt it, I let it just fly away. if only i had at least told her how i felt, i could at least tell myself years from now that i f****** tried.
Maybe if I had never met her, I wouldn't feel this way. G****** my lack of confidence.
It killed me to write this.

Sep 4, 2012

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