I Beat The S*** Out of Myself, But I Enjoy It
I've been hurting myself since before I could remember. Even when I was really little. My mom sometimes physically abused me, and my father has always emotionally abused me. Both of them are narcasissts. I've attempted suicide once. My mother attempted it twice. She used to tell me she didn't love me, and so did my father. I used to cut myself, almost to the point of going to the hospital. I fast for days and most always vomit up the food I do eat. The self-harming episodes have been getting worse over the years. Now I beat the s*** out of myself, giving myself black eyes and cutting my face with a razor blade have been the worst so far. But now I'm enjoying it. The pain feels good. Sometimes in a sexual way. I have difficulty managing my anger when I hear my little siblings scream and cry and my mom screams at them. It makes me want to take off my head. I'm paranoid and bring my various weapons with me, everywhere I go. I've even brought my boot knife to school before. I very often have spontaneous periods where I see people who tell me they are dead, and I see moving pillars of sand, and people and children lying face down on the floor. Many times I see people crawling on my floor. I am always paranoid that there are naked people in between my walls, watching me from little holes. It sounds f****** retarded, but I'm terrified sometimes. It's been this way my whole life. My. Whole. Life. Sometimes I just want to blow my brains out. Sometimes I want to blow other people's brains out. I think about killing people very often, but nobody random. And they say that if you don't think about killing random people, you most likely won't kill anyone. I have compassion for animals-been vegetarian for 3 years. I love animals. I'm scared. I'm very scared.