I Beat The S*** Out of Myself, But I Enjoy It

I've been hurting myself since before I could remember. Even when I was really little. My mom sometimes physically abused me, and my father has always emotionally abused me. Both of them are narcasissts. I've attempted suicide once. My mother attempted it twice. She used to tell me she didn't love me, and so did my father. I used to cut myself, almost to the point of going to the hospital. I fast for days and most always vomit up the food I do eat. The self-harming episodes have been getting worse over the years. Now I beat the s*** out of myself, giving myself black eyes and cutting my face with a razor blade have been the worst so far. But now I'm enjoying it. The pain feels good. Sometimes in a sexual way. I have difficulty managing my anger when I hear my little siblings scream and cry and my mom screams at them. It makes me want to take off my head. I'm paranoid and bring my various weapons with me, everywhere I go. I've even brought my boot knife to school before. I very often have spontaneous periods where I see people who tell me they are dead, and I see moving pillars of sand, and people and children lying face down on the floor. Many times I see people crawling on my floor. I am always paranoid that there are naked people in between my walls, watching me from little holes. It sounds f****** retarded, but I'm terrified sometimes. It's been this way my whole life. My. Whole. Life. Sometimes I just want to blow my brains out. Sometimes I want to blow other people's brains out. I think about killing people very often, but nobody random. And they say that if you don't think about killing random people, you most likely won't kill anyone. I have compassion for animals-been vegetarian for 3 years. I love animals. I'm scared. I'm very scared.

Oct 14, 2012

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  • I like the comments below. Animals is a good focus point. knowing that you can make a difference to an animals life in a short amount of time can really help the healing process that needs to happen. But if you're like I was, you're too young to really get away from the abuse. I would punch myself, cut myself, stab with needles. I was adopted so everyday was a reminder that my own mother didn't want me. Go volunteer at an animal shelter. You will find enough joy, peace, and love there to hopefully make it through. Even though not all the animals will be helped, you can make their time a good experience.

  • Your fear is healthy because it sounds like most of your life has been spent in a living h***. You need to get away from abusive environments. You need distance from this and hurtful behavior so you can begin to process it all, so you can understand why you are cutting, feeling alone. Everyone needs to love who they are to be healthy. And learning to love oneself is difficult when your parents dont love themselves. They want you to feel the pain they feel--this is why parents hurt their kids, because the parents need help too. Your challenge is to unlearn the shame and emptiness they impose on you. Learn from them not to repeat abuse. Learn to love who you are. Preserve the gift of life. Celebrate the many gifts we have been given. Find good supportive friends. Make something good out of a horrible situation. People do it all the time.

  • I find it endering that you love animals. Animals don't judge, they aren't racist, sexsist, or homophobic. Animals don't pay attention to your family, your house, your clothes, or your income. Pets are loving and excepting no matter what. I use to consider suicide constantly, i use to hurt myself. But i found my calling in life, and as i work toward my goals i forget all the darkness. I'm going to be a vet, i'm going to stand up for and help animals, for everything they do for people like us.

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