S** with best male friend (I'm male)
I'm male. Close male friend and I meet regularly and hang out. We drink a fair amount and then we usually get high (either smoke, or coke or both). In that state, p*** usually gets put on and things get a bit h****. First time this happened, he was a bit hesitant to get naked and j*** off. Now, its almost second nature. Not everytime, but a lot of the times, we end up jerking each other off, sucking each other off. Sometimes he will get to o*****, sometimes not - I usually do. Although I'm not exclusively gay, I have told him that I do find guys attractive. He has always had girlfriends and loves s** with woman, but has complimented me a few times (sexually) and whilst high, has often said he'd like to do that to me (ie what the p*** in front of us is doing and its always straight p***). I know he definately likes his women, but I can tell from how he watches the p***, that he does also like looking at the guys too (he's never said it though). A few times, he has wanted to receive a***, so I've given it to him. please note that he is the one to initiate all this - I've never forced myself onto him. I feel rather vulnerable and exposed given my confession to him that I do find him and other guys a turn on etc. All is fine, usually until the next day when he goes all cold on me. Lasts a short while, then we do it again. Recently, we had been drinking and we were gonna get high, but before we did he told me that we should do it just as friends (i.e. no s**) and that is just not him etc etc. I think he is overcome with shame and guilt, yet, when high, enjoys it. He's told me (when high) that he has jerked off many times thinking about what we've done. I'm so confused as I really like him and I enjoy the time we spend together. I'm not after anything more that what we do but I think he is freaked out by it. It can't be a mistake though, as a mistake can happen once or twice.. but this has happened many many times, so he clearly enjoys it? Perhaps he is questioning his newly found sexual experiences and wont admit to himself that he does actually enjoy it? How can I get him to be ok with this and to get rid of the guilt and shame? Would really appreciate some advice/help.