I'm f****** miserable
I am so tired of the bullshit that is my marriage. Right now, my wife is sitting here sawing a redwood into my ear while I sit here and stew about how I think marrying her may have been a mistake.
We have serious intimacy issues. When we married, my wife was curvy and active l, around 155 in a 5'6" frame. Since we have gotten married, she has gained 50 pounds (which she chooses to blame the state of Mississippi and her Birth Control for). She does not wear this additional weight well. On top of that, she is now incredibly lathargic in everything she does. Despite the extra lard, I am seriously turned off by the lack of enthusiasm for any type of activity that doesn't involve food. I mean, it's hard to become sexually aroused with her. I have tried for the past three years to "be supportive in her struggle" but I am seriously f****** disgusted and fed up. My wife has expressed that she needs me to be more sexually interested in her, and to date, I can count 17 times when I have been sexually advancing towards her for them to be seined with "I'm tired" or "I just want you to hold me". Now this is out of maybe 20 occasions (our marriage counselor suggested tracking them so I could determine whether I was rational or not), so I don't like the back and forth bullshit. All this continues to do is make me less attracted to her physically and resent the person she has become.
I am ashamed of myself. I don't know how to tell her how I feel without breaking things as well as accepting the fact that I could have made a terrible mistake.