Years later, I still can only o***** when thinking of my ex

Three and a half years ago me and my ex broke up. His name was Jesse, we dated for two years. I was seventeen when we started dating. Our relationship was deep, and passionate. We had s** probably every day of the two years we were together and a lot of the time, more than once per day...

We were always together and always wanted to f*** each other. I was madly, obsessively in love with him...I would never imagine myself with anyone else, and i wanted he and i to be together forever, but the only problem was, although two years older than me, he was a little too immature and a bit f***** up. He was insecure, possessive, controlling, and extremely jealous. He cheated on me four months into our relationship, and i forgave him because i already had fallen hard for him ,and wanted to believe he could change.

A few months later i started noticing him taking advantage of my love for him...
He became so angry when we would argue and it resulted in emotional abuse at first, but later turned into physical abuse. I became very depressed about the situation, but i never loved him any less. I just tried to make him love me more, and poured all my emotion and passion into making us work and tried so hard to show him we could work and that we were meant to be. I forgave him a million times for hitting me, shoving me, once he even spit on me. He would call me drunk after being at the bar and I would be upset with him after hurting me or lying to me. He'd threaten to lie in the middle of the road if i didn't see him. He'd tell me one minute I was nothing to him, and that he didn't want to be with me, and the next...he'd call me back crying, begging for me to forgive him. It was by far the most stressful relationship i'd ever been in, but also the most passionate when we were alone together....

Now, I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and me and Jesse don't speak to each other. I left him after i gave him one last chance to make our relationship work. I wanted to be loved, and treated like i treated him...i couldn't keep loving someone so much that hurt me as much as he did.

Jesse emailed, called, texted, facebooked me, everything for MONTHS after that. Begging for me back. Even when i started dating the guy i'm with now, he begged and harassed me so badly i had to change my phone number. I didn't want to be in a relationship where i loved him so much it hurt, and then all he ever did was hurt me.

i didn't want to move on either, but i knew i had to and this guy i met, was perfect to me. Treated me exactly how i wished Jesse would. Eventually Jesse stopped messaging me so much. He was blocked from everything, but email.
I would go months without hearing from him, then suddenly one day he would send me an email saying "I love you, still."

or, "how are you? i wish you were still in my life."

or..."everything reminds me of you"
or..."i will never love anyone as much as i loved you."

even years after we broke up i was receiving those emails, and still they hurt to read each time, even though i had moved on.

Here's where it get's f***** up...

this guy i've been with for so long now, which i love and he loves me...we live together, and he knows jesse as the abusive ex boyfriend i had and regret, but the truth is, i still crave the passion i had with him, because i haven't been able to feel that passionate about ANYTHING since him. It kills me. I can't f*** my boyfriend like i f***** Jesse. I couldn't if i tried.
S** should feel just as good because, well... my boyfriend now has everything going for him, well endowed- so why isn't the passion there when i'm so in love with him?
I have to close my eyes and imagine that it's Jesse f****** me, so that i can bring myself to o*****...

i don't know why i'm like this. i've been so mad at myself, mad at jesse, mad at the world because of this, but i cannot fix it...
i can't be so passionate about my current boyfriend, and I'm afraid jesse is the only one who will ever be able to make me c** now, when he's not even in my life anymore....
i don't love jesse.
i've been over him for so long. but no one has made me so passionate ever since him ,or even before him and i crave the passion and deep intimacy i felt with him...i just can't feel it with anyone else...i don't know how...

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  • I think you need to see a therapist to help you forget about Jesse. You can o***** with your new boyfriend - its all just mental, but you need some help to figure it out.

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