Marriage sucks !
I'm 20 years old and married a man who i love so much at the age of 19. It hasn't been more than a year and things are close to ending in our marriage. He told me that he's not even in love with him. So much has happened in the past few weeks. Last month I moved to Texas to be with him because he's in the military. We knew that marrying each other was the only way we could actually be together since he's stationed in Texas and I was back home in Hawaii. We went to the same high school but we never knew each other. We met through FB and started talking. We first talked when i was leaving to go to basic. I stopped talking to him because I knew had a GF at the time. We ended up talking again when i was in AIT around June, i believe. We finally were official in Sep. Everything was so perfect. He was such an amazing guy and I know i took him for granted at times. We finally met for the first time in Dec and thats when we also decided to finally get married. I honestly dont regret marrying him. I know i love him so much and i know he was the man for me. Even if he doesn't wanna believe it. When he first told me that he wasn't happy and that he didnt even know if he wanted to be with me...I felt my heart being shattered into a million pieces. I felt so hopeless but now its even worse. Last night he told me that he loves me but he's not in love with me. He says we dont even really know each other. And yes we dont really know each other but its because we never really had the chance to. Now he seems so distance. I told him few months ago when i was back home that i had cheated on him. I'll always be honest with him even though it hurts and i know that i'll lose him. Because honesty is everything to me. I love him so much and he's really breaking me. I found out that he was talking to his ex again. He told me back in Dec that he wouldn't talk to her but that was a damn lie. In the messages i read between them he tells her that he misses her and wishes things were different. When i confronted him he says that yes he misses her and what he says was true but he could never see himself with her. I didnt believe him though. Like why bother yourself with someone full of s***, you know ? Well one day i went on his laptop and went onto his email and found out that he was still messaging her when he said he wouldnt because he really wanted to work it out since he wasnt ready to lose me. Well i also found some shocking things on his email. He had these special websites such as meetme( which he told me he made when he was mad at me for cheating on him), zoosk, bbw.com, and affairalert.com which he failed to mention. Last night I also found out that he's been texting these 2 girls from here that he met online from meetme. He's always being so dishonest with me. What i want more than anything is to make it work. I mean this isnt just like any type of relationship where you can just up and leave. This is marriage. You're supposed to try your best to make it work and last long. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. Where you'll do anything to make that person happy. I would do anything for this man. I really would. But i cant make him love me even if its all i ever wanted. I did a horrible thing when I was mad at him. I figured out his FB password and pretty much deleted all these girls that were his Facebook friends. I went through his messages to see if he was talking to other girls and what exactly they would talk about. I know what i did was horrible and i felt like s*** about it and I still do, but i was furious. I’m furious right now. Like how can you give up something like this. How can you tell someone you love them so much and that you’ll always be their one and only forever and take it all back. How can you say you’re being a man when honestly you’re being childish. I don’t think a man would just leave. Would just give everything up and say that he just can’t…that he won’t. What man would do that? Its hard being in the same room with him, seeing him each and every day. Every thing reminds me of him, seeing his pictures makes me just let it out at times. He gets upset that i get mad. Saying how can i get mad if he wasnt all that mad at me for what I did to him. But thats not fair. I didnt make him not be mad at me or take it out on me. I feel like s*** for acting the way i do with him. I just wanna be happy and hug and comfort him but its hard because i hate what he's doing to me. I hate feeling all this emptiness that i feel in my heart. How can he say that i should be alright with it. I just can't. And when we separate and get divorced to say that he wishes that we'll always be close... i mean we're not even that close right now. I'm not gonna be okay with him talking to other girls. Im not even okay with it right now. He's being a j*** for talking to these girls. I mean we're still married, you know?? I just really wanna go home already. This is seriously killing me and i'm gonna lose it being hereAug 2, 2014