My best friend is an a******

We've been best friends for eleven years. We've been through really difficult s***. And when she offered to let me and my fiance live in her house for pretty cheap I was excited because it was something we'd talked about since high school. Everything was fine until she broke-up with her live-in boyfriend and immediately started sleeping with this guy at work. Now he's over here at least four times a week, a lot of the times without her even telling us he's coming. She avoids spending time with us to spend time with him, they spend all their time in her room or in a room separate from us, and when I confronted her about it she got livid and started bringing up all this s*** that didn't even make sense.

I'm angry that she seems to be choosing to spend time with this guy over spending any time with us. She works from 7 in the morning until 4:30, but still manages to find other things to fill her time so that we hard get to see her. To make matters worse the guy is so shy that even when we do try to talk with him and be social he doesn't say a word. I feel like I've lost my best friend to this guy she barely knows.

Sep 11, 2014

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  • First off, we're both girls, we don't talk about our wedding and we have tried on numerous occasions to hang out with my friend and her boyfriend. We've offered do go do things. I'm not exactly sure how I'm being ungrateful when I do everything for her; cook, clean, take her brother to work, take care of her animals, do things she needs done that she doesn't have time for and all I'm asking for in return is for her to hang out with us for a couple of hours out of the week. I'm also not being a b**** about their break-up. I was there for her throughout the entire thing, not that it seemed to effect her at all since she's been saying since she kicked him out that she's been over their relationship for a year. This is probably the shittiest advice I've ever seen. I didn't say anything about her not seeing this guy at all. All I said was that she spends ZERO of her time with me or us. Yes, I have tried to hang out with her when it's just us. We've even made PLANS to do things and she backs out of them hours before. I've even discussed this with her and I was basically blown off. This guy is also a d***, as I've come to find out. He's incredibly misogynistic and his ideals completely contradict everything she's very vocal about being against. It makes for a very tense situation all around.

  • You have to understand that when anyone comments on a post, we're going by what is written. You're knee deep in middle of this and you have all of your feelings wrapped up in it. We don't. We don't know you or your roommate or your fiancé or anyone in this scenario. You left out all the stuff that you've been doing for her. Reread your original post from an objective point of view. So how is anyone going to know otherwise? We're just playing devil's advocate and telling you how we see it and making suggestions. And there are other ways to say things.. And if you want to talk about being kind of are. Instead of saying, This is the shittiest advice I've ever seen.. maybe a Thanks for the advice, it wasn't what I was expecting. I appreciate that you took the time to write to me, but I apologize for leaving some critical information out that may change your mind. You want advice..Look you've made efforts with her and for whatever reason she is not talking or wanting to hang out with you. You can't force her..there's no advice to give to make someone talk. It's sad, because it hurts cause she's your best friend. Look, you have put it out there that you are there for her, she knows it. When she's ready, she'll come to you. Just continue to make the best out of the situation. Try to make it seem like it doesn't bother you or it could be even harder to live there for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. When you make dinner ask her to sit with you guys. But do not take it personally. And be civil to her new bf and pray she tires of him really fast. The only other thing I could think of that is making her do this weird 180. Is she doing drugs that you don't know about? Because it seems like her entire personality is changing and she's hiding. In the mean time, you and your fiancé just make the best of it. At least you can lean on one another. Keep saving and looking while you have the opportunity. Eventually she'll come around.

  • Thank you. This was the only helpful comment so far. She has anxiety, and recently was taking some kind of antibiotic instead of Welbutrin which explains her random mood change swings. My fiance and I had a very long talk about it last night and we think that's the main issue. She also takes Ambien EVERY single night to go to sleep. It's really starting to worry me because on Sunday she fell asleep on the couch while we finally were able to sit down with her and watch a movie. Her brother came home with food, threw one of the croissants at her face, she didn't even flinch. Then he walked over and smacked her on the ass REALLY hard, like I'm talking hard enough that a handprint would be left, and nothing. She didn't respond to her name or anything, and then woke up an hour or so later and said she didn't hear or feel any of it. She also becomes extremely rude when she's on Ambien, always making snide little comments about stupid s***. I don't know how to talk to her about this problem, but I know I need to.

    On top of that she's just had bad luck this entire year, and as much as I assure her I'm here for her on an emotional level she doesn't seem to want the help, which is a big reason I don't want to bring my concerns about her med habits up.

    My fiance is a very docile and kind person, and my friend has been taking advantage of this and snaps on her for absolutely no reason. They'll be talking and laughing and then the friend will just say something completely out of left field. I'm worried this will destroy our friendship, but I'm not even sure she cares. We've already planned to move back home and are saving up money in order to do that, but for the time being I need to figure out something to keep this from blowing up.

  • The combination of what she's taking could definitely be having an adverse reaction. The sleeping thing is really concerning and living with anyone with mood swings is never easy. But with the drugs, she may not be able to control certain things. Some drugs can cause insomnia or irritability. She could definitely be dealing with both of those things on the drugs she's taking. The Welbutrin is for depression, but it what did she replace it with? Are her parents around? I'm not even sure what they can do. She may get p***** if you tell them. But if her brother is there, he has to know that something is not right. Sometimes being a friend means letting go a little bit. You're not her mother, I think you're taking on too much. She is an adult. If she's not willing to take care of herself or to tell you whats going on, really what can you do? Considering that you are good friends, you could take the chance and say..I was worried last night when you didn't wake up. How much are you taking? Just be careful. See if that opens up an opportunity to talk. The rudeness is new, right? Just curious, are you sure she is okay with you guys living there? Do you think she's trying to make it uncomfortable so you guys will leave? But she's afraid to say something? Best way to handle rude, angry people...kill them with kindness. Smile and ignore it. Don't feed into it. She may be trying to start a fight with you. As for your fiancé, you can't be there all the time to buffer the situation. This may be good for your fiancé to speak up if she doesn't like something. Again, it doesn't have to be something that would start a fight, but even if she's kind and docile she can stick up for herself. And that's always a good thing. It could just be a smile and walk away to another room to diffuse the situation. Definitely not an easy situation. That's the worse part about being friends is wanting to help, but not knowing how. And then your friend just not doing anything to make her life better.

  • She's told us countless times, even when coming to her being very calm and asking 'do you want us here? are we causing problems', that we aren't an issue. The more my fiance and I have discussed it the more we've figured she doesn't do this on purpose, but she's been without friends, close friends, for a very long time and I'm not sure she knows how to be a friend to someone who is around for more than a few days. We've decided just to let things run their course, to stop waiting for her to hang out with us, and let things happen organically. We're both very 'hippie' type people, and she's been living in the city for a long time so the views on life that we used to share aren't really the same anymore, and I don't think at this point we can return it to that so it's just going to take some time to work out how we can still be friends.

    I do want to talk to her about her pill dependency, because she's already banned from any type of opiates because she was addicted to percocet and ended up having to go to the hospital because of it. So she has a history of prescription drug abuse. I know it's a delicate subject, but no she doesn't live close to her mother, her brother is a bit of a flake, and she doesn't really have anyone static in her life to point out the issue. She does have problems with insomnia, but taking these meds to the point that she doesn't wake up when someone is hitting her or yelling her name is a problem and it's really affecting her personality. She's been talked to twice at her job for her change in attitude.

    The biggest problem is not knowing what my boundaries are. This is her house, and though we buy 80% of the food, pay for the internet and give her rent (on top of all the other stuff we do for her) I don't feel like I have the place to tell her what to do with her life. I want to tell her I don't think she has her priorities in order, but again, I feel like that's overstepping my bounds. I am worried for her, her career and our friendship.

  • And it's interesting how this post has evolved from the original one. It's like the layers of an onion... When you say your views on life are different now, that could be true. But you are also in different places in each of your respective lives. And two people can be living in the same small town for years and simply grow apart. That doesn't mean you won't be good friends, it's just that your friendship changes. You have a far different and more complexed situation happening. From your first post, I could have never guessed this was what was happening. You're not just dealing with a friend with problems. You're dealing with an addict. And everything that you may be doing for, may in fact be enabling her to keep using and to keep it a secret and to keep you close, but not too close. You may want to look into al-anon and just. As for your boundaries.. you care about your friend. Anything you say is going to be coming from the heart. But you just have to be okay with the fact that she is not ready to do anything to change her life right now. And sometimes that's the hardest part of being a have healthy boundaries and to know how far you'll go. She also may not care what you think. The fact that she has been spoken to twice at her job, that's her issue to deal with..not yours. You can't rescue your friends, if they don't want to be rescued. Trust me, I've been in similar situations and it really has to be what you're okay with. Because you don't want to enable her behavior. You can say I'm worried about you. And I'm willing to help you get whatever help you need...but you have to want to get help. But if you don't then this is what changes..(be careful here..cause she could just say leave..) In some ways, even though her mom doesn't live close by ..she maybe should know what's going on with her daughter. But that's fine line and your friend may be p*****. Why are you guys doing and paying for so much? Was that just the agreement? She got it made....

  • Let's put some things in perspective because maybe, just maybe you're thinking only about yourself and how her actions affect you. She breaks up with her boyfriend and then all of a sudden she gets to be the third wheel in her house and hang out with an engaged couple. I can't think of anything I would want to do less of than that too! Not sure if her and her boyfriend were talking about marriage, but that has to sting seeing you two all the time. This guy she is "seeing" is someone to pass the time so she can get over her break up. Maybe not the wises thing to do, but that's her choice. She's just needy right now. Give her a break. Do you two ever do anything alone together anymore? Or is your fiancé always there? Because it's nice that you all get along, but that has to change the dynamics of your friendship. Maybe it was cool because it was a couple thing before.. Give her space and respect that she needs to just go through the motions of a break up. If you want to be her friend, suggest that the two of you spend some girl time together..and be considerate and don't talk about your wedding. And if this guy (or any guy) is shy...that's just the way some people are. Maybe he'll warm up to you guys. But she likes him..And he can come over as often as she lets him. It's her like the comment below says..If you don't like it, move out.


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