I don't know what to do... What a f***** up night...

It's S.J.P. Person that confessed the "What a f***** up party" part 1 and 2. I said I wasn't gonna confess no more. But. I can't keep this to myself. I've gotten into some deep s*** nowadays. I always said I wasn't gay. Only that im h**** all the time. But that changed. I met a boy. Super cute. Nice. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Tall. Full on Air Force boy. He's got jets all over his room and models of American WW2 planes. But. We were dating for like 6 weeks. He's super kind. And he WAS a virgin. We were happy. He played with my hair. He kissed me. Told me I was his and he'd never leave me. I stopped all my sluttyness with the other boys for him. I said I was only gonna be with him. He told me he was abstinent. And we were super exited about gay marriage. We made out on the couch for like 2 hrs. He's 16 I'm 15. He knows about the boys I f*****. Cause he was also on the football team with us. And he was okay with it, which i thought was insane. How could anyone love a w****??!! But he did. But anyway he had a sleep over. Not a girly one. Just invited 4 friends and I over. 2 were girls. So it was 4 guys and 2 girls. We played on The Xbox. Watched movies and all that stuff. Then I got late. So I went to bed early. I can't even. Woke up. And that m************ backstabbing a****** was s******* the b**** he invited over. And the other damn girl was FILMING IT! The other boys were sleeping in the living room. His parents were f****** home too! He's a moron! He pulled back and covered himself and just stared at me. I felt so much anger. I wanted to take his model airplanes and stab It in his eyes. He was about to say my name. But I rushed over there and shoved the other girl off the bed and pushed him down and got on top of him and screamed "How could you?? You promised me you a******! Why the f*** did you do this too me!" I started to cry a little. The girls were just sitting there in the damn corner. Smirking. And just watching with their dumb smug faces. Watching me start to cry. I never felt such embarrassment or heartbreak. Why would he do this to me?? He just looked at me then got mad. He picked me up a pushed me against the wall and said "Because your a f****** f*****, you think that every boy is attracted to you cause you think you got a hot ass and you like to flash me around like I'm an accessory, so f*** you b**** and leave me alone" he let me go after his dad walked in. I fell to the floor and just froze. His dad saw the girls. And started to yell at him. By that time. The other boys came behind him and stood in the door way. Just looking like what just happened. His mom came too. His dad slapped his face so hard. He fell to the floor. His dad yelled at everyone to leave. I came back. And stood up. And walked out. F*** it. Joey and Simion asked me if I was alright. I didn't even look at them. Then it hit me. The boy that I loved. For the first time. Who I would give up everything for. i was loyal like a puppy to. Who said he was abstinent. Who I wanted to marry. Just f***** a girl in front of me. And called me a f*****. I broke down. I just broke down and cried. I felt helpless. I wished I was back home in my bed again. I know most people don't care. Just kill yourself. One less f** too worry about. But it hurt. We are people too. And the way he called me f*****. And looked in my eyes. It made me feel like a f****** animal. Like I wasn't even human. Like a beaten dog. I heard his dad and him screaming at eachother. But I didn't care. I was just shocked. Later. His mom said she'd drive me home. I thanked her. But that's all I said to her the rest of the night. She tried to make small talk. Apologizing for what happened. But I didn't answer. Anyways. She took me to my house. And then left to take the others home. ive been depressed. Upset. Crying. Not eating. I almost did the stupidest thing. I had a razor to my wrist. I began crying. I was scared. I believe in God. I'm a Christian. I know the things I do are not christian ways. But I do them. I wanted to press it in. And pull up and just close my eyes. I'm a boy. A f****** boy. I'm always told we aren't supposed to have emotions. But I was afraid. Scared. Alone. And sad. I was terrified of doing it. I don't want to go to h***. I don't. I want to go to heaven with my brother and sister one day. i have lots of family members. But I played with Them when they were babies. But my dumb f****** stupid c*** mother... I'm not gonna even. I'm not. Because I forgave her. I told myself. I forgave her. But all my sadness came to me. I don't wanna die. But how can I live withought a heart. He ripped it from me. I was gonna myself. But again. I was afraid. I'm afraid too die. Because I don't want to go to h***. I pray every night. But I just stopped. And thought of something. Better than killing myself. I put the razor in the trash. And thought to myself in my bed. How can I get revenge. So. I will check everyday for ideas. And I will respond to you. S.J.P

4 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • Maybe your right. He is an a****** for that. But I'd be a bigger one if I outed him. But I swear to god. If he starts bragging. Or talking. I will out him. To everyone at school. On football team. But besides that. I will just try and move past all this bull. Thank you for your comment.

  • I wish I could just let go of what he said to me. I ain't planing on killing or mameing him. No one deserves to die because of a breakup. I was thinking. Maybe fulling outing him to the school. Like tell our Coaches and the whole team. At lunch. I just want him to feel terrible for what he did.im still thinking of payback. But honestly. Thank you for your comment.

  • If you dwell on it, you won't be able to let it go. Oh the revenge part, I do get you want him to hurt. See I think in about 6 months time you'll be over this guy and the anger. You'll process through it. Outing anyone (enemy or friend) on purpose or by accident is a really bad idea. Because you can't control what others will do with that information or how he will deal with it. I think it would be equivalent to mameing him. Given that he yelled at you, he probably is struggling with his own sexual orientation and is just not ready. Plus high school kids can be cruel and if he was outed and teased, some people are not that strong to survive it. You're gay/bi, that's your truth and you wouldn't want anyone but you to say it when you're ready. So respect that.

  • I don't know why the guy did that. Again you guys are very young and he may say he's abstinent, but he could also be gay and not ready to come out. Given his relationship with his father that may be your answer. Even if you were to ask him, he may not have any answers for you. Who you sleep with is your business, you don't need to justify it. You are human and you are a good person and it is more than okay to feel hurt, angry and heartbreak. You cared about this guy. You have to just move on from this, there are other guys out there. And it maybe easier to find someone who is out. Suicide is not the answer. Cutting is not the answer. I know you want to get even with him, but you don't want to go to jail and in the end you're the better person than he is. Do your best to let it go. It will take time, but you'll get through this.

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?