Carpe Diem

I have been secretly in love with this girl now for the better portion of two months. The first time I saw her it was just a glance however I noticed her cowboy boots and denim skirt which really stood out to me and really gave me the impression of a strong independent girl who likes to have fun. Later that night I saw her again once my friends and I came back, she was sitting on a chair and she immediately captivated me once I looked into her eyes. I couldn't take my eyes off of her the entire night. I shortly left after that because it was late at night, thinking it was the last time I would ever see her, so the next day I went to my friend's house and we began (my friend and I) to just talk in his room. He later left leaving me alone in his room and I began playing his guitar. A few moments later red (that's the girl who I am referring to) entered the room. I was completely flabbergasted. She looked irresistible wearing a white, overly sized shirt and yellow short shorts. She began to lay on the bed staring up at me with those eyes that pierced my heart. We began to converse for what seemed like just mere moments but it ended up being almost half an hour. I asked her how long she would be staying at my friend's house and she replied "I don't know I think for the entire month..." I was so happy, at this point I realized the level of my attraction towards her. I had an entire month to "spend" with this beautiful woman. The next day I heard devastating news, I found out that my friend was getting ready to move next week. I couldn't believe my luck, in the same year it was my senior prom and I failed to get a prom date. I planned to ask this girl for months and when I finally got the courage to ask her I found out it was too late. That day I never in my life had such mixed emotions of happiness, relief, accomplishment, sorrow, regret, confusion, obsession, rage, anguish, the list goes on and on. Before then I have never asked a girl out and have never gone out with anyone before although I have had many crushes over the years. This time I thought it would be different, the end of my senior year was the end of my past life. The summer was the start of a new me. How wrong I was. That week rarely saw her as she was either confined in her room or outside of the house. I was desperate for another opportunity be with her alone. I couldn't ask my friend for help because they were relatives, and I couldn't ask my other friend for help either because he would just make things worse. So I was helpless for the entire week hoping for the chance to see her again. I didn't see her again that week but later I visited my friend at his new house where I stayed there for five days, five very eventful days.
I can't really recall all of the days because everyday we all (my two friends, red, and myself) would drink. The first day we went into my friend's shed where we did the deed and we later went to his "tree house" where we did some very asinine things. It was fun and we later retired to the attic where my friend and I stayed for the weekend. In the attic we began to sleep however my friend's brother came upstairs to play video games, I was very perturbed to say the least. But after a few minutes of frustration and lack of sleep, I surprisingly found red to my left. I felt much more at ease and very happy as I watched her fall asleep on the couch. Then without realizing it I found myself asleep waking up to complete darkness. I flipped open my cell phone to see if red was still sleeping on the sofa, where like an angel she laid there. Worried that she might be awake I quickly shut off the phone but the image of her sleeping stayed in my mind. I covered her with my blanket and went to the other side of the room with my friend and began to lie on the floor. I couldn't fall asleep partially because of the cold floor with no blanket, and partially because red sleeping completely vulnerable on the other side of the room. To this day I still wonder why she came upstairs if she was that tired.
A couple days later my friend, red and I went back to the shed to again, escape from reality. After feeling the effects red took out a cigarette and began smoking it. She starting blowing smoke rings which, in my state, made me feel like an uncontrollable animal. The way she formed her lips trying to form those smoke rings looking up at the ceiling made me want to lock my lips with hers and never let them go. I wanted to embrace her and keep her for myself. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, but my friend's presence stopped me, or at least that's what I tell myself.
The next day I woke up early and went downstairs, I headed to the kitchen where I was expecting my friend's mother making breakfast but instead I saw my light, red. This time we talked and talked for hours which was complete ecstasy for me. She did most of the talking as I am not a very extrovert person. But she told me about her friends, her work, her parents, her problems, almost everything about herself. I found myself falling for her again even more. Later that day we all went to an amusement park nearby the house where we went to the pool, where I saw her small, toned body. Of course I didn't want to look like a total pervert so I made sure she wasn't looking whenever I took a glance at her. I wondered how such a strong woman could have such a petite body. Later on we began to go on the rides, the first ride which was on my mind the whole day was the ski lift. It held three people, and there was four of us. We all wondered who we were going to be paired with on the ride. One of my friends, red's relative, jokingly said I want to go on with my love. Then unexpectedly red said with a hint of hope my other friend's name. At this point I really began to feel confident about asking her out on the lift. So we proceeded to the ski lift where we began to be seated. I didn't know which side to sit on, the middle or right side so I instinctively went on the right side, leaving a big open space between us. I was extremely nervous and she was the complete opposite. We made small talk but I was waiting for the right opportunity to ask her out. I kept waiting and waiting, but that opportunity never presented itself, and once again I failed. But even though I did not ask her out, it seemed as though we were on a date because after the ski lift we basically stayed paired in all the rides that we were on. That day was supposed to be a fun day, but I felt nothing but anxiety that day after missing the opportunity to ask her out, and looking for a new one the entire day. Everytime I thought about asking her out, the words just never came out and I just close my eyes asking myself "what am I doing?". So after that we all went to Wal-Mart where again it felt like another date. We all began to browse the items and red and I always stayed together. We would pick up a movie and begin talking about, or we would pick up a ball and begin playing with it. I was very happy. That night more regret would fall upon me.
Red's parents came later that night where she told me that they were coming to pick her up, but then drop her back off the next day, so I didn't think too much of it. We introduced ourselves and my friend and I went back up to the attic. I was feeling very tired so I went to sleep on the couch while my friend's brother began to play video games with my other friend. Later red would come up once again and we all would watch TV and play board games, laughing and having a good time. I began to drift in and out of sleep where I would find out that red would once again sleep upstairs because there was no other place to sleep. This time I was too exhausted and fell asleep right away after giving red the couch I slept in. I would wake up later to find out that that was the last time I would see her.
When I woke up I headed towards the couch for a chance at a glimpse of her sleeping, she was nowhere to be found. I go downstairs to see if she is in her room, only to find it empty much like myself. We would pack up and leave that day so we cleaned the basement where I found her chapstick. And I still wonder if she purposely left it there for me to find. Anyway I went home and that would be the last time I saw her.
I'm confessing this because today I found out that this is an unrequited love. Since then I cannot get the image of her out of my mind. It makes me sick to see myself obsessing over someone. But today I found out that she has been on this anti-dating thing and she never had any feelings for me. To top it off she found "the only person" who she would break her anti-dating thing for. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore and all of my friends have already gone away. I really don't know what to do anymore I don't think I'll ever find love.


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  • I feel your pain man, I girl that I was pretty much in love with for over a year, who I had a little fling with for one night, has turned out to be a lesbian. So I was pretty damn gutted to say the very least, but it was a strange kind of gutted, I was sortof starstruck. all I can say is, that girl is gone, if your paths cross again then assume it's destiny. But dont count on it, chin up, you'll find your woman and it will be all the better when you do :)

  • Being the nice guy is hard but i wouldnt give it up... wish i could be cold but thats just not how we are. Hang in there

  • sorry i stopped reading once i realized that this was a load of bullshit

    learn how the mind works and then try lying

  • I did and even though it was touching and very sad,I have to say...Its kinda your fault. You were being such a lil p**** you couldnt get up the nerves to ask the girl out. Granted she said she never liked you in the end, but maybe if you had put your scared ass into gear, she would have at least considered you and maybe even been you date to your prom . But no. Opportunities should always be taken and buddy, u f***** up. I bet that other guy didnt.

  • STFU already, I didn't even read your post loser.

  • Next time, keep it short and sweet. That's not good dude, I mean she never liked you in the first place. grab the remote with the left and your d*** with the right turn on the p*** and whack away buddy. It'll be the closest thing you get to p****.

    Rack the Jipper

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