My cousin raped me
When I was 7, I first met my cousin, he was 11, which was 4 years older than me. He was already strong at that age, he went to the gym even though he was underage by a year to even go. He looked like one of those strong men on TV, he had green eyes, which I loved, because I have always liked guys with green eyes since I was young. I still do now, and he had black hair. Although a lot of girls his age liked him and still do he always wanted to hang out with me or he gave me dirty looks, I used to be uncomfortable hanging out with him until I turned 12.
My b****** are big an E cup now, and he always stared at them. He told me I had the perfect hourglass figure, but I just took it as a joke. I didn't want take it awkwardly and ruin any of our what I wanted to be good moments.
One day, we were at a water playgrounds, whatever it's called, I dressed in a pink bikini, and he kept looking at me, I finally asked him, "Why are you looking at me like that?" Although I didn't know it, I was blushing, and he told me I looked cute when I was blushing and I wanted to leave, but my mom made him do it. He told me to sit by him on this small-booth-like-thing it's hard to describe. And of course I did it.
I gasped when I felt his hands on my thighs. I found myself starting to like his touch as he was getting closer, and closer to my pivate area but I knew it was wrong so I swiped his hand away. I attempted to get up and go inside the pool, which was close enough for him to watch me from there, and he smacked me on my rear, causing me to yelp out. I threatened to tell my mom, but he didn't seem to care.
He touched me more and eventually got to my private area. I bit my lip from moaning, and when he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. I didn't want him to be my first kiss. I started doing more research on incest when I got home on that day, and once I realized how far it could go, I didn't want him to even try anything.
A year later, I hadn't seen him after that, and I had forgot everything that had happened. But my aunt and uncle moved across the street from us. When I saw him, he had gotten even more attractive to me. I couldn't stop staring at him. Apparently, he had noticed because he said "See something you like?" And looked at me seductively. I liked everything about him, his arrogant but playful personality, and his husky voice. But I never wanted it to come to this point.
I think that I'm sort of in love with him, but I didn't want to do anything containing incest. Anyway, one day, I was sleeping over at his house because his parents and my parents went out on a double-date, it wasn't at night, it was going to last from morning to night. I was going to have my friends over for a sleepover, but he said no, and he tooked my phone away so I couldn't call them to tell them to come anyway.
My mom and dad had already bought things for the sleep over, like nail polish, junk food ect. And then I came up with a really bad idea, that I deeply regret. I wrestled with him over my phone. And suddenly, we ended up in an awkward position. I think it's called a 69 or something, it's a sexual position, that's all I know.
He slid down my tights (I was wearing them for pj's) and started doing you know what to my private area. I was very shocked and tried to move away but he held my thighs tightly in place. I kept struggling, but eventually I gave up and he stopped doing it once I came, I thought he would stop, but he put me on top of him and took off all of my clothes.
He made out with me, and I didn't want to struggle anymore, I was to exhausted from struggling before. It hurt really bad, but after a while I got used to it, and he did it more until our parents came back. My mom noticed I was acting very weird but I did anything not to tell her, I didn't want to talk about it and make her worried about me, I just hoped that this would blow over in a week or two, but I can't stop thinking about it.
What should I do now?