Witnessed S** as a Child: Adultery, Conflicted Emotions, Anxiety
I never sought professional help for this and because of the nature of the incidents, I have never discussed it with anyone in my real life.
When I was 12, my mom had a fling with a guy at the resort were were staying that summer. She was married to my dad, but would bond with a guy she met at the resort community all summer.
Though I was a kid, I could tell she liked this guy but beyond the general idea that she should just be with my dad, I didn't really absorb the whole dynamic. I thought maybe they'd kiss (because that's what men and women who like each other do) and had a vague feeling they'd just spend time together, and I knew it was a secret, but the breadth of adultery didn't really register to me.
I actually witnessed them having s** one eve when I doubled back to our bungalow because I had a strong feeling she was with him. I had never seen anything like that before (TV was much more tame and that was all I would know), and it really shocked me at the time. At the same time, I found it compelling, so I watched for a bit before I got scared I'd get caught and took off.
I checked on her in the evenings when I could (usually there was evening activity like a movie or event) and I saw them make love five more times, though circumstantial evidence made it clear that they had s** frequently that summer.
I loved my mom and my dad, but I also liked this guy, I thought he was real cool at the time. I knew what she was doing was a secret and therefore probably bad or embarrassing, but I also found it exciting and went back to check on her so I could see them again. I didn't really understand s** at the time so it was a combination of scary and exciting to me.
Though I am straight, I sometimes find myself attracted to men that remind me of this guy. I also had anxiety over the years as I would more fully appreciate the details of what they were doing - sometimes I'd forget a detail and then something would click and I would realize another aspect of what was going on. I also don't entirely trust my memories of the incidents.
This has been a source of stress and anxiety for me for many years. Recently, I've been having dreams about this again, after not having any for many years.