I Must Be Poison. I Must be a Horrible Person

I'm just sitting on the floor of my bedroom quietly sobbing.. not too loud as to let my mom here. She knows something's up, but she has no clue what. Truth is I've lived my whole 20 years with NO regrets for anything I've ever done until now. Next to me lays a pile of my now ex boyfriends dreadlocks that I personally ripped from his head just hours ago. I'm usually the kind of person who finds its exhilarating to think about hurting those who hurt me. I quickly found out its only hurt me. He and I were dating for 8 months until I dumped him for a month, unhappy with his cocky and shallow attitude. I wanted a break so he could reflect and do better for US. We kept in touch during the break and finally saw each other in person this past Saturday. I couldn't believe how in love I felt. Not being with him for a month made me love him harder than I ever did for the whole 8 months we were on. We spent Saturday and Sunday together I enjoyed his presence more than I ever had. I'm not sure what exactly flipped in me subconsciously.. but I f****** flipped the f*** out. All it took was finding a picture of some random Google downloaded picture of a girl bent over to make me flip. Now, I say I'm not sure what came a hold of me because I wasn't intimated by it. I didn't think this internet model was hotter than me in my opinion she was basic as ever. Not to sound full of myself but I am a major head turner no matter the day scene or occasion. I'm THAT girl women hate to see when their man is around, just being honest. As I think about it I guess it's because I couldn't fathom me not being his only focus. That being said I was ALWAYS his center of attention. He complimented me on a daily and not just for my appearance but my mentality my intellectuality EVERYTHING!! I'm just sitting here in the dark Craig knowing I'll never see him again after the amount of disrespect I'd given him. I made him leave my house after finding the picture. I didn't start to freak until he started saying this like "I can't believe it's ending like this so soon and I never should have came back to you" to hear him be so non chalant and not give a F*** f***** me up. I'm used to him kissing my ass and being puddy in my hands whenever I was upset. I could tell he could care less. I hit the roof. I chased him outside threatening him. First I smacked his fast food meal out of his hands. Then I kicked his d***. Next thing I know I'm swinging his skinny ass down onto the snowy concrete kicking face and ripping his hair as hard as I could. I was in disbelief to see 5+ years worth of hair growth on the ground... Sooo much of it. It's impossible to hide his bald spots in the front of his head. I know that killed him to see his hair like that. It killed me too but still I wasn't done with him. He was constantly running from me but I refused to leave I wanted to talk and he just kept being adamant about how I was dead to him and he would act as if he didn't know me. That's exactly why I continued to lash out and hit. I couldn't take the rejection from someone who I had just started loving so deeply more than before. I'm so crushed I'll never hear from him again. I'm the only one who's lost this battle. He may have a huge gash in his arm that resembles a stab wound from my teeth,and hair missing but I'm the defeated one. I've lost. I have no friends anymore. Nothing. No one to talk to. No one. I'm not sure what my life is going to be like now with literally no one at my side now. I guess I'm poison. I can't keep treating people I care for like this. All I have is hair stands and receipts he left to remember him by. He's alive but I'm dead to him. The girl who's lived life thus far with no regrets is now succumb by guilt unhappiness and much much regret. I'd give whatever it took to make it up to him even if that meant buying him a new head. I know he'll never come back. He's probably blocked me or changed his number. I wouldn't talk to me after that either. How could I blame him. Still I know hoping he will reach out but I know he never will in this lifetime. I never said sorry I never will. It'll never be accepted.

Dec 20, 2015

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  • You really should be in jail for assault. And if you can't get your feelings and emotions in check for the next guy or the next situation that sets you off, you will. You have some anger issues that you need to look into..NOW. And maybe get over yourself a little bit. This is said with love. Meaning self esteem and self love is so important, but is also important to be humble. So he had a pic of a girl. It's a pic. Men are visual. Other men you date may download pics too. You shouldn't feel threatened. You are young and you are going to have many relationships. They should be healthy ones. But in order for them to be healthy, you have to be able to deal with any situation maturely and rationally. Start by seeing a therapist. Stay out of relationships for awhile. Work on you.

  • And I agree. What I left out in that post is that I realized that this situation had an incredible purpose. I hate the way I had to get this wake up call by assaulting him, but it made me realize a lot about the way I perceive people. They shouldn't be treated so disposable or with disrespect if you actually love them. All this time I thought of myself as badass for knowing I can put my hands on people but it only made me view myself as bully scum. Thus has definitely erased my blindness

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