Dog ate my sperm
I'm a guy who masturbates regularly when my girlfriend is out of the house. A few times I masturbated into kleenex and threw it in the bathroom garbage can.
The dog eats everything including her own crap, so on a few occasions she pulled the kleenex out of the garbage can, ripped it apart and licked all of my sperm off it, leaving a mess of torn up kleenex on the floor.
My girlfriend found the mess of kleenex recently and it was a bit awkward. I just played dumb, but from now on I'll have to be flushing my sperm rags down the toilet.