My husband and his ex-girlfriend

I'm about to finish about 4 and half years marriage with my husband. We have no kid and we are separated now.
We have argued so many times because his ex-girlfriend has kept contacting him and his family, though I asked him and her to change their relationship.
They had been together for 10 years, never married but lived and bought a house together. His ex is bipolar and she cheated on him many times. But after breaking up, she suggested to keep them as BFF. They have been friends for about 10 years, but they weren't just friends. According to what the ex said to me, they are like family and very important existences for each other.
My husband got dumped by the recent ex-girlfriend after 3 moths because she didn't like the relationship with the old ex. So I'm not only one who cannot accept the relationship. I understand that some people become friends after braking up, though I'm not the type. But what I hate the relationship is what the ex said to me and has done. For example, she made calendars which had her face and her daughter face (she is married another guy and they have kids). She chose my husband as her daughter's gad father. She sent these calendars and when we were about to get married, she asked my husband's mother's address for sending her second baby photos. She also suggested us making our wedding invitations and taking our wedding photos. Because I didn't want her to involve us, I asked my husband if he could ask her to stop behaving like his family. He called her and asked her about it, so I didn't cancel our wedding and we invited only our families to our wedding for avoiding the ex involves.
After few months poses, she has started contacting him again. I got upset every time I noticed that, so eventually my husband has started hiding to contact and seeing her from me. The worst part was even though he hid all evidences perfectly, the ex added some photos with tagging him on internet. So I noticed that, then we fought again and again.
We moved to a different county because of his relocation, so I hoped we could restart again. But he brought her face's calendars and it seemed she has contacted him. I tried to ignore that. But again, she put some post on her facebook, and even though I don't connect and check her facebook, because I'm connected his family, and the ex tagged his family on facebook post, I saw her post which she connect to his family now. I asked my husband if he could ask her to stop tagging like that and again stop acting like his family. But he didn't listen to me, instead, he called me that I was like a stalker and I'm the crazy one, I'm also mentally sick, etc... He also told me before that I was worse than the ex girlfriend.
Although I also said nasty words to him, he is always on her said, and protects her, but blames on me. I have been tired of the situation, and my love to him has been fading, and the stress hurt my health conditions. I went to see some therapists, but both of them said that it didn't seem that I was mentally sick, but because of the situation, I'm very stressed out, and there was a possibility that I might have adjustment disorder.
When I thought about him, I realized that there are other things about my husband I didn't feel comfortable, the biggest issue was communication problem. He doesn't talk much except things he is interested. He seems he doesn't care about me unless I tell him (more likely complain). Although the ex's issue seemed big, we also have communication problems. I tried to improve our communications, but I couldn't do it without his effort.
Now, I've been separated, and I feel much calm, and if I don't think about my husband, I don't have any stress.
Do you think divorcing him is the best choice for me?
Or should we go to see marriage therapist before deciding to divorce?


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  • Time for some tough love. You need to work on your self esteem issues and your issues of control. This women is someone your husband has been friends with for ten years and also someone who his family has stayed in touch with and choose to have a relationship with. You need to get passed your jealousy issues ,be an adult and except that they have a friendship and will always have a friendship. Being married doesn't give you the right to dictate who your husband is friends with. To all the women who would say its disrespectful to you for him to continue the friendship with her, you would be the same women telling her not to give up her independence and don't let him control you or alienate you from your friends. If you force the issue he will only resent you and your marriage will fail. Jealousy is a wasted emotion .

  • For me I don't feel jealousy because she isn't anything attractive, but I dislike the person like her. I don't have any friends like her, who is very selfish and has confident due to her maniac period from bipolar disorder. It's not jealousy or trust issue. Simply I don't want to even think about the woman, but she wants me to get to know, that's the biggest problem.

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  • Part of being married is having an agreement about things: finances, responsibilities, and yes, even who is within your social circle.

    The ex has overstepped her bounds and needs to get out of the lives of you and your husband. Throw away those calendars and tell your husband never to contact her again. He also needs to tell her never to contact ANYONE in his family or extended family ever again.

  • I didn't want to be a control-freak. But I did and I didn't like myself being like that. I cannot avoid being ugly with him because he gives me the opportunities. He tells everything to his ex, when we got arguments. I hated that. My emotion is under my responsibility, I know, but it's very stressful to control myself not caring him and his ex because anyway she wants me to know that , even though I medicated, read many books and trained to ignore such worldly thoughts. I asked him many times to do like what you suggested, but it was in vain. He does't want to cut the connection with his ex, and he prefers divorce me, if he has to do that, and I prefer be free from the stress than suffering from the situation....

  • Correction: not medicated →meditated

  • If he doesn't care enough about you to respect your wishes -- and acknowledge your sensitivity to their relationship -- you need to consider leaving him. (And to be honest, there should not now be ANY "relationship" between them at all: that seems to be a cover-up for something else.) However, before making any decisions about leaving, you should go take a few sessions with a marriage counselor. Even if HE won't go with you, you should go on your own, just to have a professional to listen to and evaluate your thinking about the situation. It would be better, and more effective, if he went along for the therapy, but there's benefit even if he doesn't. I know that marriage is not something you take lightly, and I'm not suggesting that you should start: but if he has a better relationship with somebody he's not married to than he does with you, he's doing something wrong (whether or not there's any infidelity involved), and you HAVE to consider all your options, for your own preservation. Trust me: this situation is not going to get better on its own, and you shouldn't become more tolerant of it.

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