Longing for the end...in 20 years

I want to die. I've wanted to die since I was about 10 (40 now) but never actually went through with it. First I didn't want to disappoint my parents and cause my mom any sadness. But then I moved out and those feelings began to disappear. So, I turned to drugs, therapy, religion, anti-depressants, etc. and none of that worked. I only slunk deeper and deeper into depression. Still the guilt and shame of suicide kept me alive, but barely. Then I met my now wife, who knows that I am depressed but doesn't really understand the extent of it. She doesn't know that I think about suicide nearly every day. I've never told anyone that about me. I love my wife and for a short time the depression subsided a wee bit. Then we had a kid, then another, and finally our third. I thought that if I had a loving family and purpose I could at least ignore the sadness. Again, nope. The sadness and suicidal ideation is nearly constant. So for now, I'm staying alive for my family, keeping up appearances, and doing my best to hide the illness. Once my children are out of the home I'm ending it. I long for the day when my children no longer need me for basic support. Sure, they'll probably be angry and miss me, but I hope that they'll understand that living with the constant preoccupation of death is a living h*** unto itself. My wife doesn't seem to worry about retirement and I avoid the conversation entirely because I'm not saving for retirement; I don't plan on living that long. My wife will be fine without me as she has a pension plan and she's just more capable than I am. I just have to last another 20 years to see my kids move out....I sincerely hope that I can last that long.

Nov 17, 2017

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