I had s** with my best friend and I can not forgive myself
Last night I stayed with one of my childhood friends. A friend, with whom I have some history. We both shared one of the darkest secrets of our lives. Since, sixth grade we used to fool around with each other. Yes, he started it and even though at first I was a little shocked I started to like it. We continued that since 9th grade.
3 years ago back in 2015 he visited me. I was in my sophomore years in collage with a girlfriend. He was also pursuing his engineering degree at that moment. Even though we used to fool around with each other in our childhood, we never discussed it with each other. We acted like nothing happened all the time. The same was that time too in 2015. He stayed with me that night and guess what? Around midnight i started to feed his hands all over by body with his p**** erected and hitting on my trouser from back.
I was shocked and stunned and didn't know how to response. Apart from this secret we used to be best pals. Besides, I was in a serious relationship with my gf. So, I requested his to leave me alone. He listened and abstained from that for some time. But about an hour later he started that again. I tried my best to resist. But after several attempt I got carried away. I surrendered and we did what we used to do. He gave me a b****** and I a handjob to him. But after that was finished I was left with self loathing and depression for some weeks.
It was not like he forced me, but he was persuasive. Everytime I told him not to do anything stupid, he came back again and again and seduced me at the end. I feel like it was me who is responsible. I also felt like I enjoyed it for some time too. I came up with questions to myself about my real sexuality. I though I was straight but was I really? Don't get me wrong but i love girls, and with my right minds I would have and still today will never make a move to some dude. But with this friend it was different. We were childhood friends who grew up together. Apart from our physical relationship we also had some amazing memories and bonding with each other. But that time I felt like from my childhood I was being abused by my best friend. It too me a long time to get over that awful feeling. Even though I never told him that.
So, this is 2018 and soccer world cup is going on. By this time we both graduated from college and have our jobs, career. None of us are married and have a gf anymore. He invited me to his house to watch a soccer match together over some beer. I went there with this intention not to stay over with him. But he insisted me to stay over. I refused everytime. But, by the time the game was over it was quite late and worst of all it was raining cats and dogs outside.
I knew I had no other option but to say. In my mind I was certain that he might make a move again that night. So, with that in mind I went to bed again with him for some sleep. By that time I had decided not to give in like the last time. And as I though he started that again. Both of us at that stage was 26+. I refused him countless times all night. And at the end by 6am he left the bed and jerked off. I left a sigh of relief and tried to sleep as the entire night I couldn't sleep. But I couldn't and inside of me I suddenly felt an urge. An indomitable urge to fool around with him. But I didn't wanted to make any move. But I was sure if he tries one more time I won't refuse anymore. he came back from washroom by that time and lie beside me again.
An hour passed nothing happened. My urge had gotten weaker and I was tired too. My eyes felt heavy and I concentrated to sleep that off. And then I felt something. I was lying sideways giving my back at his side. Suddenly I felt His hand on my belly. And just like electric, I got turned on. I threw all the logic, promises, moral out of the window and faced him. He also knew at the end he succeed. We both stripped off our dresses and stated fooling around. We kissed like crazy. touching each others p****. I even gave him a b****** for the first time after grade six.
But after that, the old feeling came back creeping. Now I'm even more confused and depressed than ever before. I'm also blaming myself for this. Because, no matter how much I tried not to let it happen It happened, and I also enjoyed it at that moment. But, now I feel like I'm getting crazy. I couldn't forgive myself cause I'm not a kid anymore. I'm 26 and mature. I always prefer girls yet I had s** with my childhood friends again after 3 years later.
Am I gay? or am I bi? All I know that I can never have s** with another dude in my right mind. Yet I've done that less than a day ago. Please help me. I feel like I'm going crazy.