F*** me man
I don’t know who I am and i honestly have no clue who I want to be. I feel like I’m a victim a lot, like I’ve been cursed somehow and the universe keeps me from being happy. I’m a good conversationalist but even though I never admit it I’m happier being alone than with people. A lot of my friendships fall apart when I’m not forced to see people everyday through work or school and I want to blame it on them or some unstoppable force but truthfully, it’s me. I’m a s***** person. All I do is take drugs and pity myself because I can’t bare to live with myself sober. The world is so f***** Up already. I mean we’re flung into a randomly composed hellhole and we just survive. There’s no reason to, it’s all pointless all we do is longer for a cosmically minuscule amount of time and than die off. It’s so cruel how f****** pointless it all is. People look for meaning but it’s not really there. I figure since there’s no point I might as well live for whatever the f*** I want and just try to be happy, but I can’t even do that. I don’t know how to enjoy s*** without smoking a joint or downing some shots because I see s*** how it really is, and once you realize the reality of s*** you can’t f****** come back. You just end up depressed and bitter no matter how badly you try to hide it. Some days I want to be distant and careless, and some days I want to be there for people, I’m just unstable like that. But I’m pretty sure that the truth is I’m neither of those things. I’m just a confused a****** who wants to be more than he is, but can’t seem to break past the mindset I’ve had for the past year. I’m not suicidal or anything I just feel f****** empty.