When I was 11 y/o I had an accident. Riding a bicycle on my street I was hit by a car (from behind). The impact broke the frame of my bike and tore my s****** & both testicles. After three surgeries to try to save them but it wasn't to be.
After I recovered (nearly a year) I went about with my normal routine. The result of the castration I suffered delayed puberty . I wasn't growing as I should have. They had me on HGH and testosterone . I grew some but still developed small for my age. I developed some effeminate traits...hips, waist , longer legs and very little body hair. That is how I started high school small, skinny and not a hint of facial hair.
I was tormented by everybody... Guys were little azz wholes...but the girls..The girls were far worse at the torments ...cutting little insults , the hushed laughs ..That was far worse ..it hurt to be bullied day in & day out.
By 11th grade ..I had made a decision .. I knew that I would never be seen as an attractive male. I was 5'7" and 115 lbs .
I stopped taking testerone the Dr's took me off of HGH due the length of time I'd been taking it.
I felt different...after 6 months and no testerone I gained a little weight ...in my butt and thighs ...what body hair I had was fading away.
I felt a shift in my emotions...A stillness , I was calmer but also feeling passive.
I felt guilty about other issues... To feel more like a female ..effeminate mannerisms ... I so enjoy those feelings.. My skin became soft, smoother and I loved touching myself but still pangs of guilt for liking how the sensation of touching body...to just trace the tips of my fingers the length of my arm... The sensation of warmth of the palm of my hand across my face...how smooth it felt...all of then sensation brought profound guilt and shame.
All of this time I felt alone...so damned alone. Even at time with my family I felt alone. I could see the disappointment on the faces of my parents. My Dad ... All I can say is that after the accident he & I drifted apart .
Don't get me wrong , he wasn't abusive but he wasn't very "near" me either. There existed a void between him & I . He never wanted to talk to me about "My Accident". My mother ..was overly sympathetic ...As if she didn't want to see me grow up but rather have me has someone to look after / care for.
Yes I do have a profound fondness for guys. I guess its about the guy I'll never be & nor can I be. ickq2017@gmail