"Perfect" couple having trouble with intimacy.
We've been together just over two years.
"Mark" and I laugh together, have great conversations, work well as a team, have similar careers, go on these great dates, profess our affection often, have a million inside jokes, love long car trips together, support each other and enjoy complete love and trust.
We suck at s**. In the beginning, it was a few times a week. Now it MIGHT be a few times a month if we're lucky. I like it in the morning (when he's sound asleep), he likes it at night (when I'm sound asleep).
Other complications: I have a physical disorder that often makes s** excruciating. I've suffered for about 6 years, and other boyfriends have been pretty supportive. Only now, since being with Mark, it's gotten MUCH worse. I've been on pain meds, have used numbing lubricants, steroid injections, etc. Horrible pain. In the past, he's felt awful for inflicting this on me, yet I am bound and determined to have a normal s** life. On a good note, I'm improving.
I believe part of my problem is an allergy to s****, as having s** with a condom has GREATLY reduced my pain. So since I'm on the mend, I want to do it. A lot. Because I desperately want to be normal. This puts pressure on Mark, who now is having trouble achieving and sustaining erections. If I take my hand off his p**** for 5 seconds to lube myself up, he goes soft. And if he does any forplay simply for my benefit, he goes soft. (If I don't get the adequate amount of forplay stimulation before s**, my muscles lock up and penetration becomes agonizing). However, to make s** work, we often have to skimp on oral s** / fingering for me. As a result, I endure pain just to make it happen. And the cycle of his feeling guilty continues. I often can't keep going for a long time due to the pain.
So now, to make it happen at all, I'm usually the initiator. If I leave it up to him, it never happens. We're now going on 4 weeks without s**. Well, almost...
On Friday, he became overcome with emotion. I was thrilled to hear him say such wonderful things to me. He wanted it, I wanted it...kind of. It had been so long and he seemed so passionate and I wanted to be a normal girl. So I didn't tell him to stop. Without a condom (which ultimately caused a bad allergic reaction for me), he forced his way in. I was wincing and writhing in pain. He was thinking only of himself. This was a person I didn't think I knew. He didn't see the pain on my face. There was no pleasurable stimulation for me at all. Just torture.
When he finished inside me, he dismounted and seemed very happy with it. "That's how it's supposed to be! See baby, I told you--just let it happen naturally and it'll happen!" And I turned over and tearfully replied, "Don't you understand ANYTHING??!" before running into the shower to get the s**** out of me. My v***** was burning, stinging, itching and swelling on the inside. I spent the rest of my night with an icepack on my crotch, and Mark tearfully apologizing for this enormous oversight on his part. So I was accidentally raped by my own boyfriend, the one I'd been trying to have s** with for weeks. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am so confused.
How could he have been so thoughtless? How could he have just used my body and thought that it was what I wanted? We had an understandnig! Condoms always, or else I'd be in pain for two days! (And I was!)
So now I have this psychological setback in addition to our physical,and logistical problems having s**. I WANT to do it with him, just like normal couples who are as in love as we are. However, after the whole "accidental rape" incident, I bet he won't even try to initiate. And he won't get an erection. And I will be miserable because we've become the most loving, sexless couple on the planet.
I love him to death. There's no one I want to be with more. But our s** life is a joke. I've had better s** with one-night stands than with this person I adore.
Can anyone help me with this complicated problem?