I raped my friend

So, I feel really, really bad about this, the remorse eats me up whenever I think about it. When I was 22 I raped a friend who was 19. We were both on friend’s house, in party, heavy drinking, and he had signaled he was willing to hook up later, my friend even gave us his king size bed for us to sleep later. Well, once we were in bed, he backtracked. He was playing hard to get. We fooled around for about 1/2 hour. Trying to convince him to suck my c***, convince him to allow me to suck his. But since he was a top he didn’t want to bottom unless I bottom first. I asked to rim his ass. Then I rubbed my c*** on his hole made some pressure, I took his quietness as consent but when I was actually penetrating he put his hand back to push me away and tried to crawl away. I was really tired of his games by this point, drunk and somewhat angry. I grabbed his neck in a jiu-jitsu choke to keep him steady I forced myself in. He winced in pain but became still as stone. When I sensed he wouldn’t resist anymore I proceeded to the humping, and man, it felt so good, so empowering. When I was finished I lay down by his side, he completely quiet, I felt guilt for the first time. Trying to remedy it I whispered in his ear that if he wanted to top me I would be willing. And time passed, I fell asleep, I woke with him over me, banging my ass forcefully. I did not offer resistance even though it was hurting, and I totally could have. I just felt I deserved it.
When I last woke up he was long gone. I tried to talk to him a few times later, but he avoids me.
So this is it. My terrible horrible guilt. I ‘be lived ten years now with it, and it eats me up whenever I think about it.

Jan 12, 2020

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