I think I raped someone when I was 12 and hate myself
There was this girl I dated in middle school.
It wasn't serious, of course, I was 12 at the time. A friend of mine told me that she was a bit of a s*** and that she had already had s**, so getting laid wouldn't be difficult.
So we ended up dating and we would meet after school, at first making out and then it kind of escalated into her taking her top of one day and me licking her b****.
This happened twice, in the same place, in some trees in a park in my city. Both times, I felt like she consented, and afterwards she didn't express any regret about it.
One of the times, a friend of mine was standing far away and looking away.
I broke up with her a few months after this happened- she kind of wanted something more serious and turned out to be a bit crazy, so I decided to dump her.
She wrote me a note saying that she hated me and so on in return.
A year or two later she told my friend, the one who was around at the time that one of these times happened, that she felt like I raped her. I don't know if he was telling the truth, he said he didn't remember the whole interaction, but since then it has plagued me with guilt. I have tried to be super, super, aware of consent and always ask, and I have tried to live my life as a good person in the ways I can.
But because of this I worry. I worry about whatever career I may have in the future, if I ever have a family, that this girl with come out and say that I harmed her.
I've had interactions with this girl many times since, all of which have been friendly. I've even talked with a friend of hers about the incidence and she has said not to worry about it.
Recently, she unfriended a bunch of people on Facebook, myself included, and I noticed and I know it's petty but this began the whole spiral into guilt again.
This was over 10 years ago and I haven't gotten over it. I was abused as a child and I know that it can take years to reconcile with what happened, and I just worry that I did to another person what was done to me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It's already hard as it is.