just tried strangling myself. It's been awhile -- been a while since I've been so suicidal. I'm always morose but f***. I just hate myself more and more minute by minute. I think I have to talents and I'm going to fail college. I going to be a huge disappointment to everyone. I'm so lonely. I wish I could just talk to someone & they'd give me the time of day. I don't feel like pestering my friends I know that something that they should be there for but I'd just feel like I was being (well I don't know ??) that thought was lost. that happens too much. I only really have one interest and I suck at the core elements of it. So I think I should just not go to college or just go for basic studies. I'm falling be hind in everything. I can't think straight I can't sleep. I can only get a good rest when I'm wasted. but I cannot allow myself to drink on week days too often. I need (want) a cigarette, but my parents hate the fact I smoke (but don't care I drink???whatthefuck)... I'm so stressed. I cannot believe in a higher power until I can believe in myself why is that so hard for people to understand, that my key should be find faith in ones self not praising something that may or maynot be real. I'm ranting now. I hate myself. I'm too much of a b**** to not smash my head hard enough, get out a gun, finish choking/strangling myself, etc. I'm having a meltdown on the daily. I need to lose weight, I have a horrible body nothing fits. I am a waste of life. I should be ashes.