One and only gay s** with my best friend

Okay so this is the only time I have and probably will talk about this experience. I had a best friend since we were small boys and as we grew it was obvious we were both straight. When we were about 10 years old and up our favorite thing to do was just hanging out naked camping and swimming things boys that age are supposed to do. We were certainly not attracted to each other but once we reach puberty and discovered masturbation it was a really fun thing to do together and we did it a lot. I want to say if this has any bearing, I was molested at about nine years old up until about 12 which I know really screwed up my way of thinking about girls and s** but I've never told anyone other than my therapist. Anyway in high school he went off into the Army and I finished out my schooling but we would still see each other often when he visited. Many more years pass by and this is how that night went, a night I regret so much and will never forget. Him and I still like to set out in the yard naked and get high and that particular night the both of us became very intoxicated so we decided to go inside. I do know the rest of the night would have been different if I had not got so drunk and inebriated. So we sat in front of the TV, still naked, watching p********** and just totally out of the blue he said "would you like me to suck your p****", not really the word he used and really to my surprise I immediately said sure, like that kind of thing has happened before but not really. So he got on his knees and did it for quite some time and I'm not going to lie it was a wonderful feeling. I did too many drugs at night and alcohol because I found myself wanting so bad that his p**** in my mouth, again something I have never did before but I absolutely enjoyed it and he did keep asking me "are you sure you not did this before"then I said no because I haven't.
We both got on the floor so we could do it to each other at the same time and I will say again it was incredible and I guess I felt so open to do these things because he was my best friend since we were little or something. I actually brought up the subject of us having a*** s** with each other and he just so happen to have a tube of KY jelly in his car which he got and brought in. Oh yes I forgot but we shaved ourselves between our legs and that made it even better. He wanted me to do it to him first so I cleaned my p**** and covered it in KY jelly and with him on his hands and knees I lubricated him with my thumb and I shoved my p**** into him, worrying it was hurting him but he said no. So I went at it for a good while exclaiming "Man I can't believe that I am F***ing you in the ass, and again no guilt just ecstasy. I'm going to add this since I am confessing. I had only had s** with one girl and that was in high school so it had been a good 20 years since I had someone else other than just myself masturbating all the time. Anyway I pulled my p**** out and I said "please put your p**** in me now and I got on all fours but he could not do it, that is he could not get hard enough to put it inside of me and in a way I am glad that he couldn't. I had dealt with that when I was just a boy and it did bring back bad memories though not for long. So we went at it I know for at least 30 minutes. I laid down on the floor and he got on his knees and lowered himself back onto my p**** going up and down as I was fondling him. I just had a thought, although being molested at nine years old by an adult family member I know put a scar on my soul. What I wish is that, as a lot of 11, 12, 13-year-old boys do in experimenting with their best friends, I wish that him and I had of did our experimenting when we were boys because it would have been a lot more normal and we would have grown out of it I believe. At this time he had a family and a very good career but I know he was confused about his own sexuality because during that night he told me of boys we knew like his cousin and others that they would have s** so he had quite a few partners. Anyway I'm going to sum this up.
While I was still laying on my back he e********* but me and my over excited body was not ready to give up yet. So he went and washed his p**** again and got on top of me and started back sucking on my p**** which during the whole time was hard as a rock compared to him he kept getting limp. I fondled him since he was right above me giving me the b******* and finally I told him I was c****** and so I did. I know that not having sexual contact with anybody, girls or anybody for that matter, sort of made me just want to do it all night if we could but as soon as I e********* it's totally like I came to my senses and this tremendous regret and guilt and shame flooded over me and I got up and instead of taking a shower I went right to bed. I was only fairly good path with my job and actually going to church and I was feeling things come together for me and it was like I totally sabotaged the rest of my life. He left first thing in the morning and by the way he came for a visit may be a year later and wanted to do it again but this time I refused and I haven't seen too much of him since.
I wish to God that night had never happened because it's very obvious I'm not gay because it's been so hard to live with myself ever since then. When I was younger like around 14 my cousin and I when we went to bed would get completely naked and it was out of pure curiosity, he even fondled me and I fondled him but it never went any further than that. That kinda stuff is normal for young boys but what I did and allowed him to do this particular night was not normal at all. If I could add any advice to young guys out there not sure of their sexuality I absolutely recommend that you don't get drunk and inebriated and then do something you're going to regret. There's nothing wrong with being gay, it's something you're born with but just be sure what your heart tells you and not want drugs or alcohol may be telling you. And last confession and I'll close. I deal with depression on a major scale. I have this problem since I am single that when I get h**** and a good erection, which is hard to come by nowadays. I don't look at p*** but I do go back in my mind over each and everything that him and I did to each other just to keep that erection and once I'm done it just really adds to the depression that I even thought about it as much as it's ruined my life. That's all if anyone can help me get past this, that happened over 20 years ago, then by all means any advice would help.(Delete if too graphic)

Jan 10

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