I want to murder my step-father...i think i might be going crazy

I'm 14. my bio dad went to prison when i was four so it's not like a "omg i hate you, you're never going to replace my dad'' type thing. It's just the simple fact that I hate him and it's my moms fault. she's been with him for the past 4 years or so...it was fine when they started dating because to be fair, my mom used to be a hoe. I thought he would be gone within a month. He asked me if i wanted them to get married, i said yes simply because it wasnt the first time i had heard the question. I didnt really think it was gonna happen. but then it did. and then he asked me if i'd wanted him to adopt me. again, i said yes, just to make my mom happy. and the more i faked it, the more fake the smile got until i wasnt even alive outside anymore. i was living, but in my own head. by the time i got to seventh grade i was just...tired. he was coming to all of my extra cirriculars and my mom wasnt. he was picking me up from school everyday and my mom didnt. he was helping me with my homework and my mom wouldnt. i felt like she was pushing me away so that i could simply see that he cared. i was so mad at her. then i got to eighth grade and thats when i started to get wrapped up in my thoughts. when i was putting away dishes that he never helps out with... a knife. i think, what if. and then remember my mom once telling me that she would go to prison for me. over anything. and i start to think... would she confess to the murder of her own husband? even if i was the one who did it. and then to pile on... i told her how much i hated him this past year. she told me we were leaving him... and we did. she rented a house, she started moving stuff into storage little by little without him knowing, and then he left for work for 4 days and when he came back the house was empty. exluding all of his s***, that is. then we went out to eat with him the next day, my mom said it was just to "talk some things over" but i noticed she put her ring back on. i was furious. then i asked if he was moving back in with us... she aid no... two days later i see a fathers day picture up on the wall, all his alcohol on top of the refridgerator, and his s*** lying around the house all over again. on top of all of this, my mom is strict, i dont have any social media, i have to let my mom put in a password to my phone just so i can add a persons contact to it. im typing all of this on the guest account of my computer in my bed. i can only use my phone from 7:00-8:00 pm. she checks all of my messages just so she doesnt think im talking about her. I hate getting off the bus and walking into this house. i haye waking up in the morning. Im too scared to kill myself so i guess my brain decided that killing him was the next best thing. he knows i hate him. if it were up to me, i wouldnt even speak in his presence, but i have to be respectful. Get rid of whatever "attitude" my mom thinks i have. its not an attitude though...it's rage. and im scared of what im capable of. i know im just 14. im just a freshman...but i let my mind wander so far off sometimes that i dont realize what i do when im doing it. i hit my sister and sometimes i think about how good it would feel just to hit her a little bit harder. i talk to counselors, but most of the time they say im just being a dramatic teen. help me out here guys. because i dont know what to do. i have a future planned for myself, and i really dont think most of it is gonna happen if i get arested for murder. overkill. im scared of my thoughts. but somehow im not scared of doing them. help...i think im losing my mind, or trapped in it.

Feb 15, 2021

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  • U should be in jail

  • Your mom once had her problems just like you at your age. She probably had nobody to help guide her away from the life she is living now. If you want to break that cycle, make better choices than she did as you experience your life. You can hate the people who think they're bettering you, all you want. In the end, you'll either grow resentment towards them or appreciate them if they helped you.

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