My f***** reality

I used to think of love like a weakness, something that should be dreaded. i gagged at the sound of kissing and sweet couple talk but not anymore. you’ve changed my perspective without even realising it. i now think about you and only you, it’s sort of like you appeared one day and it’s stuck, it’s a continuous thought. day after day it’s all about you and i can’t seem to fix it. i deny that i love u because we are young, vulnerable and stupid, but i’ve tried time and time again it’s all f****** useless. i do love you though, i have ever since the first time i saw u, the first time we spoke. love is so complicated. you are the first and probably last person i will truely love. i know these thoughts not once cross your mind, at least not about me but for some reason they won’t leave mine. this whole situation makes me sick, i admire you from a distance and it will stay that way but what would happen if you found out? what would you think of me? from your view it’s just another obsessed girl but i’m not, this isn’t an obsession or a crush it’s something more then that but not quite love. i’ve said it’s love and i swear by it, trying to find a word for this exact feeling i’m having feels impossible and it probably is but i haven’t given up yet. i have time on my hands it’s not like you’re going anywhere. often times i feel like i’m annoying you, getting in your way but you never say a word. this will remain a secret to you and if you were to find out i’d genuinely feel so embarrassed, why do i find it embarrassing for someone to know i like them. i still see love as a weakness, i’m just trying to push that thought away because the amount of effort ive put into myself to better myself not be seen as weak just really isn’t worth it. but what am i even saying as soon as u came along all of that hard work pushed down the drain because i don’t even have time to think for myself anymore. i’ve accepted you won’t like me back and i’m fine with that, i’ll be happy for you when you find someone and i’m not the jealous type. i envy many people but i won’t envy the relationship they have with you. i want you to be happy and i see you in that state all the time, sometimes i wish i was there with you, i think if i threw myself out there at the start of the year would it have been different? would i have been closer to you? i believe the world is already wired, everything that has happened up to this this exact moment was planned and the future is already written. you can’t change what’s going to happen and everything happens for a reason weather it be good or bad.

Aug 10

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  • Just stop right there. You’ll probably end up cheating on one another so stop with this forever bs. Nothing no is forever. He’s probably perverted on his neighbor. And jacks off to live p*** women when he’s alone. No ones perfect so stop telling each other that. You both will hate each other for your shortcomings. Then you’ll move on. The end.

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