Equilibrium

Its wrong. Demented. Deranged. Cruel to think about.

But, possibly, im making it out worse than it really is.
(A petty thought.)

I have seen countless documentaries, read countless books, known so many people with this hindrance to their life. (If it is even that.) My cousin, to be blunt, is very much a "w****."

The second to last time that I had the light pleasure of visiting with her, sharing a bed, a home; she was an honest virgin. Of course she was very much into bad things, but she had kept her chastity well.

Next time I met her face, she had been with countless men, and had five abortions. How could she? I could never do that.

"If I were ever pregnant, I would have the baby. Live with the consequences." Be...Pregnant? Why would I consider that?

Im very proud to have kept my thighs tightly pressed together; to turn my lips away from the opposite s**. so, I would never be in that situation, other than if I were ... raped.

This is where this ... stranged line of thought comes in. I ... Often imagine what my life would be like if I were raped, and had a chance to have a child, at the age of fourteen. (Yes, that young.)

Rape is cruel, traumatizing. Nothing I would ever want to experiance! But, why do I? (Not so much the rape ... as the lifestyle following it.) Is it that strange that I would want to be a teen mother, but yet one that wasnt, per say, a "s***?" (Very, very much no offense here! There are poor young women who are truamatized and brainwashed, or even manipulated to the point where that it would be like calling a mentally retarded child "stupid" to do something like calling those girls "hoes.")

It would be cruel to the child. And, God forbid, I promise Im not going to stand on some street so someone will grab me and do their deed. And if it did happen, I have strong, strict parents. Not a bad homelife. So no baby would be wrongly placed in a dangerous situation. And, I would have to do everything on my own.

Maybe it's that my life isnt challengeing or exciting enough.

I make straight "A"s. Do chores. Go to church. Go to the movies with friends. Have those stupid, immature relationships that junior high students do. And, I am mature in my thinking. I know many things some of my classmates dont quite get in our lives.

(Maybe, I really want something to corrupt the balance of things.)

Seriously, truely, I dont want those things to happen to me; (Get raped by some stranger so I can be a teen mother. ) But, it really is a strange, strange thought that holds my attention ...

6 Comments

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  • gross. Rape f**** you up for years afterwards. I made a 30 on my ACT and had a 3.89 upon entering college. In college I was raped, and I've failed countless classes and have an incredibly low GPA. Rape affects you long after the incident. You get a lot more than an impregnation, like guilt, shame, hopelessness, loss of trust, anxiety attacks, inability to do things you once did, inability to have s** again, inability to o*****, etc. I'm not sure you realize that is the REALITY of rape. Never ever wish those things upon yourself or anyone else like you did above.

  • can I help you in any way?

  • I swear i thought I was reading something I would post! I always think about this!!! So, yeah I don't realt have much else to contribute to that

  • So basically you just came on here to tell the world how much better you are than the rest of us. Your own family included. You are the same age as my son. I also have a daughter who is 10. I am 30. It was no where near esay to be a teen parent. I own a clothing company which has multiple divisions. I work in mulitiple strip clubs test marketing new designs. I know a handfull of girls who have turned to prostitution. You are no better than them or me or anyone else who may read your confession. Maybe you are just starting to realize that. Dont go to any extremes to prove it to yourself though.

  • So basically you just came on here to tell the world how much better you are than the rest of us. Your own family included. You are the same age as my son.
    I also have a daughter who is 10.
    I am 30.
    It was no where near esay to be a teen parent.
    I own a clothing company which has multiple divisions.
    I work in multiple strip clubs test marketing new designs.
    I know a handfull of girls who have turned to prostitution.

    You are no better than them or me or anyone else who may read your confession.

    Maybe you are just starting to realize that.
    Dont go to any extremes to prove it to yourself though.

  • it's your mothering instinct that makes you want a child.
    you're going through puberty, so that instinct gets stronger.

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