submissive masochism

i have sexual fantasies about getting killed and being treated poorly, im gay and my boyfriend hurts me the way i want him too, everything is working perfectly, and still to this day i fantasize about him killing me, and i die in his arms clutching him, its giving so much frustration to me, im afraid im gonna kill myself one day, i know i can lose control, and it happened once today, im in pain, agony, im so young not to mention, im only 19, but i want it now, i want more pain, my muscles are spazzing from what i just did to myself, i want to get killed so badly, i want to feel the ultimate feeling of weakness, i want to die

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  • this has nothing to do with being gay, i don't know what is wrong with me, i can't explain why these things go through my head. nothing is bad about being gay at all

  • My favorite author (John Rechy), says that gay men have fantacies like this because of deeply repressed self-hate.

    Please see a therapist. :( You kind of remind me of this guy I used to know who eventually killed himself.

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