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submissive masochism
i have sexual fantasies about getting killed and being treated poorly, im gay and my boyfriend hurts me the way i want him too, everything is working perfectly, and still to this day i fantasize about him killing me, and i die in his arms clutching him, its giving so much frustration to me, im afraid im gonna kill myself one day, i know i can lose control, and it happened once today, im in pain, agony, im so young not to mention, im only 19, but i want it now, i want more pain, my muscles are spazzing from what i just did to myself, i want to get killed so badly, i want to feel the ultimate feeling of weakness, i want to die
this has nothing to do with being gay, i don't know what is wrong with me, i can't explain why these things go through my head. nothing is bad about being gay at all
My favorite author (John Rechy), says that gay men have fantacies like this because of deeply repressed self-hate.
Please see a therapist. :( You kind of remind me of this guy I used to know who eventually killed himself.