I don't know what to do.
I'm 20, and I'm a nice, caring guy, but I'm a loser and I'm boring. I'm not very good looking, and I'm short too. I'm not what any woman truly looks for in a partner, and I'm always just the best friend. I hate heteronormative relationship dynamics, and I refuse to conform. I know who I am, and that's just not me. I keep holding out hope for meeting the right person and just clicking, but I always am disappointed. Like most guys my age, I am also admittedly quite h****. I feel so frustrated, so inadequate, so undesireable, so sexless. I need to experience intmacy. I need it. I can't deny my base human needs. But I'll never find anyone, I'll never be enough for any woman, and I'll always be alone. I'm worthless to women. I'm not some pathetic bitter loser who resents women, because I don't blame them. I just wish I wasn't who I am. I deleted all the p*** on my computer. It would provide a short term release, but in the long run just frustrates and confuses me more.
I'm terrible at s**. Even though I've never had s**, I just know I'm terrible at it. No woman deserves bad s** with me. And I'll never get any better, because I'll never have any experience. I'll always be an incompetent virgin. All I'm good for is making people feel better about themselves. A usable, dispensable little toy. I've been used by my friends when they're feeling desperately h****, and I just happen to be around. Another friend of mine uses me as her dependable unconditional best-guy-friend who's just so sweet but not datable, and I get to hear all about the a******* she likes but doesn't think are into her. Another motivation in the deletion of p*** collection is the hope of maybe overcoming sexual desire. All it does it torture me. But I can't, it just won't go away. I need it to leave me alone. What's the point in it? Why should I even have a d***? It's all so useless. I'm afraid.