i've been having this problem for years
i've been having this problem for years now, and it's starting to interfere with my daily routine. i feel the uncrontrollable urge to confess about things that are, for the most part, completely made up. i started when i was very young, telling the lunch ladies about how my father had died of cancer and i was glad because he used to hit my mom. later on i told my best friend that i had a secret crush on her that i had been hiding for months. then things started getting crazy...
i told the mailman that the wellfare checks i had been receiving were forged and that i didn't deserve them. my mom now knows that i'm gay, but only for males of other species (mostly dogs). my wife found out that my 'cousins' who come over for chess every other friday are, in fact, algerian coke dealers. just the other day at work, my boss discovered the stack of british scat p*** i hide under the giant fern by the water cooler, and he proceeded to demand that i let him penetrate me anally in return for his silence. i don't know what to do anymore, and neither do my children, who cry themselves to sleep every night after they find out another family member has died in a mysterious suicide-by-cop.
if someone can help me stop confessing these horrible almost-truths, i would be very appreciative.
...but i can't promise that i will ever completely stop, because the doctors say that the enormous growth near my frontal lobe has not only given me the ability to sense rain hours before it falls, but it has cursed me with a desire to confess the startling, subconcious truths i hide...as well as eat vast sums of food and then purge miles away from where anyone can find me.
i think i should stop, before i tell the worst secret of all.