i've been having this problem for years

i've been having this problem for years now, and it's starting to interfere with my daily routine. i feel the uncrontrollable urge to confess about things that are, for the most part, completely made up. i started when i was very young, telling the lunch ladies about how my father had died of cancer and i was glad because he used to hit my mom. later on i told my best friend that i had a secret crush on her that i had been hiding for months. then things started getting crazy...
i told the mailman that the wellfare checks i had been receiving were forged and that i didn't deserve them. my mom now knows that i'm gay, but only for males of other species (mostly dogs). my wife found out that my 'cousins' who come over for chess every other friday are, in fact, algerian coke dealers. just the other day at work, my boss discovered the stack of british scat p*** i hide under the giant fern by the water cooler, and he proceeded to demand that i let him penetrate me anally in return for his silence. i don't know what to do anymore, and neither do my children, who cry themselves to sleep every night after they find out another family member has died in a mysterious suicide-by-cop.
if someone can help me stop confessing these horrible almost-truths, i would be very appreciative.
...but i can't promise that i will ever completely stop, because the doctors say that the enormous growth near my frontal lobe has not only given me the ability to sense rain hours before it falls, but it has cursed me with a desire to confess the startling, subconcious truths i hide...as well as eat vast sums of food and then purge miles away from where anyone can find me.
i think i should stop, before i tell the worst secret of all.

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  • I have the same affliction except it isn't my frontal lobe but the boil on my ass. It's been there for years and has recently been talking to me in my sleep. It used to be on my cheek but it moved. I tied a string around it and the other end to the dogs tail and threw the stick for him to fetch...hoping to rip off my nemiesis and silence the stories that come straight out of my ass. It was a hopeless attempt. The festering wound squealed before the dog could run and the plumber arrived to unclog my pipes as I have been terribly constipated for a few weeks...until last night... but don't feel bad for me...I am OK,,,really I am.

    Maybe I could write the forward to your book everyone thinks you should write. I could rememeber our friend Bummer who we convinced to be the girl in our treehouse club for 2 years before he started to like it. Now that he is running for President wouldn't it be a hoot to make him our b**** again unless he says your book is the greatest most inspirational book he has had the discomfort of reading in the bathroom in years? That's what we need; name recognition associated with your book to make you very very wealthy.

  • hehehehe
    Count me in on the book.


  • i'll buy a copy :D

  • hahahhaa

  • haha thats just great lol...british scat p***.. who thinks of that lol

  • haha we have the new bret easton ellis :)

  • you are a very good liar... have anyone ever found out uncover your lies? but i have to agree, if you write a book, i will definitely read it too!

  • i would read it too. good luck

  • you, i like

  • write a book, you seem very creative, I would read it.

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