I'm in love with my best friend

I know I can never let him go and i waited for so long for something to spark in him and for us to fall in love and be happy ever after, knowing all the while it will never happen. When I'm around him we're friends, but when he's gone its like i can't breathe i get the feeling in my stomach like its hollow when i think about the times we kissed and it feels like my body is begging me to get more from him, i've never had that feeling about any one else. His flaws are perfect. In every way. Entirely. It took me years to train myself to turn my feelings off around him and drown myself in them when he's gone over and over and over again. For a while we had a "thing" you could call it. he ended it for the purpose of "awkwardness". that ruined me. every fiber hurt. every one was broken. now we go to the same school, and i have to pretend there's nothing there like i've never fallen in love with him, with our friendship, with the relationship i pretend to have with him. I like to think he thinks what i do almost every minute that he confesses to being in love with me, but can't do anything for his own reasoning. That he thinks about me at night while he's trying to fall asleep. That he fell in love with me, with our friendship, with a relationship of his own creation. When i was younger i used to wish on shooting stars or pray, i did everything i could to ask some higher power to let us be in love, obviously i haven't been answered or maybe it's not meant to be maybe we are just friends and maybe im supposed to go to his wedding and watch a perfect girl walk down the isle in white only to meet him at the end, maybe im supposed to sit in the audience and watch him vow to love and protect and honor her for the rest of his life while defenselessly sitting there being torn apart from the inside out my heart pumping faster and faster with each word until my stomach aches and i cry tears that i claim to be of joy when really its only my self pity my hatred for his wife my hatred for him. He's my bestfriend.

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