I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

I'm a gay guy. I had s** with two different guys today. I indulged one's father/son roleplay fantasy for over an hour (I'm 23, he's 42) and then topped the second while he told me about his girlfriend. My room is a mess, my finances and spending habits are out of control, my dad is very old and sick and probably gonna die soon, and even though I've emotionally recovered from it outwardly, I still love my ex-boyfriend, but I spend hours on end each day on grindr or craigslist searching for s**. Last week, for the first time in my new apartment (that I've been in for like 6 months), a guy actually spent the night and I felt a tinge of intimacy. I don't know who I am. I've become an animal. I yearn to reinvent myself (I've had extreme weight loss, spent money on a drastic haircut, etc.) but I dislike each new incarnation of myself more than the last.

May 17, 2013

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  • This happens a lot more than you think - gay and straight. Your using the sexual pleasure to forget your problems. Take care of you. Remember you're using s** like alcohol.

  • I feel so sympathetic for you. I am gay and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, but s** died a long time ago and I have been blowing other guys, mostly straight guys, whenever I can for a long time. I feel like I don't know what I want, the relationship is security but I need c*** so bad, don't know what to do. Hon, you've got to look inside yourself for the answer, you're going to have to get brutally honest with yourself and ask what you really want. I suspect that your inner turmoil is what is causing your habits of free spending, not caring what your room looks like, etc. There seems to be a lot of fear there too. Get yourself help, talk to a counselor, there are free ones available through most Counties. Don't end up like me, outwardly happy and well adjusted but inwardly in turmoil and seeking anonymous s**.

  • It sounds like you don't know who or what you are when you're not having s**. You need to find all the little things that make you who you are. Besides s**, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies? What kind of movies or books do you like? Who was your childhood hero? Start small and rebuild your sense of identity one piece at a time.

  • You seem to think your problems are related to the fact you're gay and have s** with others for pleasure, rather than love. Listen, you can get whatever problems you have under control without sacrificing sexual enjoyment. Accept that side of yourself and enjoy s** without connecting it to anything else.

  • Find yourself whoever he may be.

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