I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore
I'm a gay guy. I had s** with two different guys today. I indulged one's father/son roleplay fantasy for over an hour (I'm 23, he's 42) and then topped the second while he told me about his girlfriend. My room is a mess, my finances and spending habits are out of control, my dad is very old and sick and probably gonna die soon, and even though I've emotionally recovered from it outwardly, I still love my ex-boyfriend, but I spend hours on end each day on grindr or craigslist searching for s**. Last week, for the first time in my new apartment (that I've been in for like 6 months), a guy actually spent the night and I felt a tinge of intimacy. I don't know who I am. I've become an animal. I yearn to reinvent myself (I've had extreme weight loss, spent money on a drastic haircut, etc.) but I dislike each new incarnation of myself more than the last.