my cousin wrecked on his bike and went
my cousin wrecked on his bike and went to the hospital earlier in the year. i didn't go visit him at first because i was mad at him. he used to be my favorite cousin, i always looked up to him. but he'd become distant from me, and basically ignored me when we'd see each other. we were raised close, like brother and sister, and to have him do that... upset me. one day he came in and didnt even say hi or hug me, just hugged my mom and left the room. i burst into tears. eventually... his condition in the hospital turned very bad. he was conscious at first, then he slipped into a coma. they told everyone important needed to go see him and be by his side, just in case.
two days... two days we spent in that hospital, mostly crying, saying final words. i told him i loved him, and how badly we all needed him. as mad as i was at him, i could never lose him..
but i did. he died there, in the hospital. we were all devastated.. even the nurses were crying...
my aunt had us write letters to be cremated with him. i wrote how i really felt... how in our last year together it wasn't as if we were even cousins, even related at all... but also how much i loved him and would miss him...
my aunt told me i was horrible because i felt that way. that he loved me so much and that it wasn't like that.
but it was. it really was. though he's passed away, it doesn't mean we should just ignore all the bad aspects of his life, because they were a part of who he was. we can't just ignore the bad and focus solely on the good. i focused on both, and it did not make me love or miss him less. i love and miss him more than anything.
am i a horrible person for still harboring bad thoughts with the good, when i truly do love and miss him more than anything?