Well, here it goes. I'm a white female in my mid 40's. I'm a senior project manager at a very successful Fortune 500 company. I've never been married and I have a 14 year old daughter. We live a pretty comfortable life. My daughter has everything she could ever want and we stay in a luxury high-rise condominium in one of the most prestigious metropolitan areas in my city. All my life I've been an overachiever, I worked extremely hard in business school and within my organization to get to where I am today. On paper, everything looks good, but morally and spiritually I am conflicted. I have realized that I resent my daughter. I always have. I have never had a connection with her. I'm not physically abusive towards her, just verbally and emotionally. I'm so ashamed to admit this but, I've called her a lot of nasty names over the years, mostly racial slurs involving the "N" word. You see, my daughter is bi-racial due to her father being African. About 14 years ago, while I was on a business trip in Nairobi, Kenya, I was raped by two African men. I was 30 at the time and I went for a business trip and was accompanied by a few colleagues. While I was at the bar at one of the nightclubs in the city after being in a meeting all day, I was approached by a young man named Daudi who had to be in his early 20's. At first he spoke broken English, since I'm fluent in 5 languages I started speaking in Swahili and he was so surprised. During the conversation, he indicated that he found me very attractive and wanted to dance with me, I reluctantly agreed. On the dance floor, some random young man came behind me and started dancing with us. The other young man was apparently his friend. They were both really polite and very respectful, well...so I thought. After two songs, I excused myself and went to the women's restroom. As I came out of the stall to wash my hands, the two young men came in. Daudi approached me and tried kissing me, I immediately resisted & he punched me in the face. The impact of the punch was so hard that I fell to the floor. Daudi then told the other young man to stand by the door so nobody would enter. He then pulled up my skirt & took off his leather pants, his p**** was erect and so long. Daudi then commanded me to perform oral s** on his uncircumcised p**** and I did. He was so well endowed that I struggled to keep less than half of it in my mouth. I choked and gagged as he stuck his manhood down my throat deeper and deeper. After about two minutes, he told me to get up and turn around, I cried and pleaded with him to not rape me and he stuck his hands around my neck and applied an immense amount of pressure. Daudi then whispered in my ear and told me that he would make sure that I'd never get back to America if I didn't comply. He then told me to turn around again and I did. He then violently shoved his p**** in me. The young man that was guarding the door was pleasuring himself while watching Daudi violate me. He then moved a garbage can against the door and came over and stuck his p**** in my mouth and forced me to suck him as well. Like Daudi, the other young man was well endowed as well. Tears streamed down my face as Daudi's raw flesh penetrated my v***** at the same time I had his friends p**** in my mouth. After Daudi got his release, his friend took his p**** out of my mouth and put it in my v*****. After his friend climaxed after about a minute of penetration, both men put their pants back on and Daudi told me that nobody in Kenya would care nor believe me if I reported them and they swiftly left. I felt like A huge part of me died on that bathroom floor. I cried like an infant for I don't know how long but then I got up, cleaned myself and carried on. I didn't tell a soul, when I found out that I was pregnant 3 months later, I lied and told family members and friends that I had gotten a sperm donor since I'm not an advocate for abortion. I ended up having a baby girl. I have been in denial, but honestly I have treated my daughter terribly. I provide for her financially, but not emotionally whatsoever. Truth be told, I'm still extremely angry about that happened to me on that night. 14 years later. Whenever I see black men, I get disgusted and call them dirty ravenous n****** in my head. Then I realized that In a twisted way, I enjoyed the experience. Over the years, all I've slept with is black men. It's like a love/hate relationship. Physically I'm attracted and I love the dominance and contrast, I even call them n****** while having s**. It sounds crazy I understand, I feel like I'm just all screwed up. Most importantly I've realized that I have been punishing my daughter for all of these years and it hurts because she is actually a beautiful and wonderful child. What should I do? I feel so lost and helpless. I'm such a terrible human being. I just want to get over what happened once and for all and love my daughter like a mother should.