Guilt, guilt, guilt.
I've been, and am, in love with a fantastic guy for the past two years. His name is Jack. He loves me as well, immensely. And he's the most honest guy I've ever met. He used to have incredibly low self esteem and self image, and was a shy virgin but I've transformed and rebuilt his confidence, and gained his trust with everything. He tells me secrets that he would take to the grave. Any time he might feel guilty about looking at another girl, he shares. It sounds hard to believe but he's obsessed with me. And it's amazing. He's my best friend and everything I could ever want.
But ME, I'm awful. I've destroyed this poor boy's trust so many times and he doesn't even know it. I LOVE Jack, but I can't stop myself from seeking more attention. I've had 3, (or 4? I can't remember) secret boyfriends, while still being with Jack. I lost my virginity to a then current f*** buddy by the name of Jake, 3 days prior to me and Jack's schedueled weekend away to lose our virginities to each other. I was Jack's first kiss, first girlfriend, first sexual partner, and he's never had anyone else since the day I kissed him two years ago. But I've been with around 6-10 other guys, and he has no idea.
I don't know how i can do it withouth ripping my heart in half, but I do. I get incredibly jealous of other girls, if he has female friends I keep tabs on him, I don't like to let him hang out with other women. And he accepts that and is happy with me. But when I think about all the things I've done that would destroy him, it makes me very very sad. Guilt.