sexual attraction to straight taken engaged friend

I like to consider myself pansexual. About three years ago, in my high school chemistry class, I was minding my own business, when out of the blue, one of my friends turns around and asks me, "Wanna see a grown man's p****?" He chuckles and goes on to play with his erection in his shorts. He had been sleeping in class and I guess had some nice dreams. I laughed it off because he is one of those obnoxious kids, class clown types, who makes a mockery of anything. I had no idea that that would go on to make me completely OBSESSED with him. I became immensely "curious" about him and for some reason, I felt this sexual intensity with him. I would stare at his crotch constantly. He caught me a couple times and, like I said, would make a mockery of it. He'd grab it in front of me and do this thing where he'd sit down on the desk and lift his leg a bit and form his p**** in his shorts. I'd laugh, but he had no idea that when he would do that, it'd just make me more and more attracted to him. He would also "jokingly" rub his crotch on my arms and one time, he even rubbed it on my backside. So, can you blame me for this attraction to him?

From then on, he would continue to "flirt" with me. Rubbing his crotch on my arms while I was sitting, asking me when I was going to "bust him down" (perform oral on him). By the time we graduated, I had developed a crazy sexual attraction to him. It was something I didn't want to keep bottled up. I went so far as to creating a fake Myspace account to talk to him about s** and stuff. But that wasn't enough. A couple months ago, I used my own Myspace to reveal to him my secret. I devised a plan to make it seem less like a homosexual desire for him but rather a happenstance that changed me sexually. I messaged him telling him I had a dream that I performed oral s** on him (which, then, was untrue), and that the dream made me think of all the flirtatious things he did to me and made me consider performing oral s** on him. Imagine my nervousness when I clicked "send." A couple of days later, I check my Myspace and see that he read the message I sent, but did not reply back.

I was confused (more so than I already was). I really wanted to know what he thought. Was he angry? Was he interested, perhaps? i have not since logged back onto my Myspace, but I used the fake Myspace to try to communicate with him and possibly get any clues. He told "me" that he was getting engaged to his girlfriend from high school. However, he also admitted to cheating on her and would continue to cheat on her, as he let my fake Myspace persona know, if "she" was ever in town, to let him know.

My desire for him is out of this world and I believe it'll only get stronger until I finally have him one-on-one to talk about this. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in way too deep and that I could only be confronted by him now.

Jul 8, 2010

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