Betrayed by the one who should have loved. Mother-dear.

Years ago, my mother cheated on the man I call dad. Before this all went down she was me best friend. We'd go golfing together, shopping, out for sushi. You name it, we did it. I was so close to her. Now she's a Stepford Wife to my a****** stepdad who thinks its alright to spank my younger brothers with two 10-gallon paint sticks that are taped together. My brothers fear a stick because of him. He grabs them by the ear, and verbally abuses them. He constantly calls one of them retarded, and the other gay. These poor kids are going to be f***** up in the future because of some old a******.
And the worst part is, I feel like I've let them down. While my mom was f****** this man under the ruse of business trips, I practically raised them. My dad was always drunk on the couch, and too tired to care for his own babies. I almost failed high school because I was taking care of these kids like our mom and dad should have. Now that I've moved out to college, I'm not around to protect them. Because I got out from under their thumbs, I couldn't see them anymore, let alone talk to them.
Happy Birthday to me.
I almost failed college because I had to commute back home to nanny while the people who should be parents went out of state. I had my own s*** to deal with, like a horrid roommate and a semester of serious illness. But no, I f***** up because I was lazy and didn't try.
I'm glad though. You've shown me what not to do. I will -never- be the kind of parent you were, you selfish b****.
And yet I still cry at night because after all the s*** you put me through, I love you to death. I long for the day you say you're proud of me. I long to feel your warm loving hugs. My heart breaks because I am alone. I look up to you, and secretly praise you. Despite talking s*** about you and your new husband behind your backs, I want to be a welcomed part of your family. Not that crazy child who is disrespectful, rude, and cries all the time.
You never saw the hurt. I've been depressed for years. I used to hurt myself so I had a release you couldn't see or mock me for. I have learned to never ask for help, because when I did you said I was a hypochondriac or just making it up for attention.
Thanks for f****** me up.

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